Leaving New York

I went to say goodbye to some family, my grandparents and aunt. My grandmother was recently in the hospital. She couldn’t eat for five days and that has left her extremely weak. She was finally able to walk the three feet from bed to her own bathroom for the first time just yesterday. She thinks she is dying. When in the hospital, she told me, she got into an argument with the doctors because she woke up to find them all in yellow hazmat suits and thought she had died.

So I went to say goodbye, not knowing when I’ll be back and knowing how frail she is. When I went upstairs to her room I found just the most peaceful and loving person. We small talked about me going back to California, the better weather and how early the flight was. But then she stopped and marveled at seeing me grown and happy. And how much wonder there is in once knowing me as a helpless infant to now a 23-year-old adult. My grandmother held my hand and told me “Enjoy every moment”; it’s all wonderful. Then we said our goodbyes. She wasn’t trying to hold on or say too much. She seemed to have the peaceful knowledge that there was no magic thing to say, no phrase perfect enough. I came to say goodbye and that was all that could be said.

I went down stairs. My aunt was arguing about the right way to jump-start her Prius, which had died in the cold. My father was pulling up a Youtube how to and she was huffing about how she already figured it out, ignoring my grandfather’s curiosity. My aunt too is dying. She’s had cancer for longer than she should have. Her life has been plagued with illnesses. The longer it lasts the angrier and pettier she seems. Arguments so unnecessary they have to be boiled down to the core issue to resolve them. She is angry. She is angry because she is dying and because she has always been angry. I go and hug my grandfather goodbye. He’s an ox and his strength has always amazed me but I can see him bending living amongst all this dying. I go to say goodbye to my aunt. She can’t look at me. She won’t make an effort to hug me goodbye. I lay my hand on her shoulder and tell her I’ll see her soon.

It’s such a fucking choice.