Short and Sweet

It was my last day at Faucks, I got a girl's number and only three more days until my four day weekend. To say I'm pumped would be putting it mildly. Let's party mothafuckas!!

Day 1

Today is the first real day of my adult life and I have so many emotions and feelings running through my head that it's physically hard to breathe.

This is the first time in my life I have felt a true anxiety about everything in my life. I'm living in a house filled with strangers, in a room I don't feel welcome in. I want to spend approximately 0 time in this house. I'm not working and I have too much free time. I am, in a sense, floating.

But a wise person can see the positives permeating through the negative.

This house is right down the street from UCB so now I have no excuse not to go all the time. And by right down the street, I mean so close I can walk.

This house being unwelcoming will make me want to be outside of it more often, seeing people, sights, and seeking work. Being outside of my comfort zone is anxiety ridden, but will allow me to grow as a person. I want to start working out more, running, creating, writing, living.

This is the fresh start I needed. I will use my anxiety towards making a better me. I'll be calling upon all of you for help and positive reinforcement, but let's fucking do this shit.

Or...I'll probably just jerk off instead.

Pimpin' in the New East

This holiday season I was blessed with the opportunity to travel the flourishing lands of the "New East."  Since my exile, these lands have seen extravagance and fortune that even a high-born nobleman would struggle to imagine.

Among the primary beneficiaries of the New East's burgeoning wealth is a most stately faction.  They call themselves "The Pimps," and here is their style:

 

Fuck me?

I don't know if you should put emphasis on the "fuck" or on the "me" in the title but I don't give a shit.

This is just one of the days where you come off the high train and think, did I get just get off at the wrong stop?

As some of you may know, I have been texting this girl that I met at the New year's party that I attended. She had finally gotten back to me 5 days after I sent her a text and I typed the best texting game that I could have for the next couple of days. I thought I was in, I mean, I asked her if she wanted to meet up and I got this response, "Sure. Do you want to drive around listening to Beyonce until we find the dopest spot to ghost ride the whip?"

Fuck, not only am I IN, but I am IN with a very cute girl with a seemingly awesome personality. Turned out she lives kinda far away but we were going to talk about specifics the next day. I text her the next day, she doesn't respond. I think whatever, it's a Saturday, she was probably doing shit.

Now comes Monday and I'm doing shit with Scott. He mentions to me that she has a great singing voice, which I knew about, and decides to play me one of her songs. In the midst of putting on clothes and getting ready for work, I realize that she has the voice of an angel. I even tell Scott that I can't wait to hear her moans.

I walk out of my apartment feeling great about the day because most likely I will be able to set something up with her. My phone buzzes, I look at the name, it's a text from the girl. Holy shit this is awesome!

Open it up, looks like a fine opening with "Hey Adrian..." I keep on reading, "I'm really busy this week..." ok, that's fine we can probably meet next week. Keep on reading "and I'm leaving soon..." Ok, that can't be good. "I'm sorry but I won't have time to meet up..." Jesus fucking christ this is not good! And the last punch in the gut, "Happy new year!" It's the fucking 13th of January, please don't wish me a new years!!! God damn it!!!

Which makes me think, how many times has this type of shit happened to me? Well, there was the girl that I tutored with sophomore year who I decided to ask out next time I see and of course never got to see again in the semester. There was the girl that supposedly went to Africa. There is the girl from Fox who I was going to ask out but somehow stopped doing nightshifts the week that I decided to do so and now this.

Like I just don't fucking get it. I want to believe that it's shitty luck but I don't know if it is. I'm still confident in myself but I'm really frustrated right now. Every time I decide to sack up and make a move, it just ends up not working out for some stupid reason.

The good thing that came from this is that most people doubted I could get this girl to talk to me and I proved to myself that I could do it. Hell I came kinda close to meeting up with her too. I just wish I could get some sort of break. So I'm frustrated as shit but know that I'm only getting closer.

Also: I probably wont get my contract renewed at my job so I will prob be working 3 days a week next month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Leaving New York

I went to say goodbye to some family, my grandparents and aunt. My grandmother was recently in the hospital. She couldn’t eat for five days and that has left her extremely weak. She was finally able to walk the three feet from bed to her own bathroom for the first time just yesterday. She thinks she is dying. When in the hospital, she told me, she got into an argument with the doctors because she woke up to find them all in yellow hazmat suits and thought she had died.

So I went to say goodbye, not knowing when I’ll be back and knowing how frail she is. When I went upstairs to her room I found just the most peaceful and loving person. We small talked about me going back to California, the better weather and how early the flight was. But then she stopped and marveled at seeing me grown and happy. And how much wonder there is in once knowing me as a helpless infant to now a 23-year-old adult. My grandmother held my hand and told me “Enjoy every moment”; it’s all wonderful. Then we said our goodbyes. She wasn’t trying to hold on or say too much. She seemed to have the peaceful knowledge that there was no magic thing to say, no phrase perfect enough. I came to say goodbye and that was all that could be said.

I went down stairs. My aunt was arguing about the right way to jump-start her Prius, which had died in the cold. My father was pulling up a Youtube how to and she was huffing about how she already figured it out, ignoring my grandfather’s curiosity. My aunt too is dying. She’s had cancer for longer than she should have. Her life has been plagued with illnesses. The longer it lasts the angrier and pettier she seems. Arguments so unnecessary they have to be boiled down to the core issue to resolve them. She is angry. She is angry because she is dying and because she has always been angry. I go and hug my grandfather goodbye. He’s an ox and his strength has always amazed me but I can see him bending living amongst all this dying. I go to say goodbye to my aunt. She can’t look at me. She won’t make an effort to hug me goodbye. I lay my hand on her shoulder and tell her I’ll see her soon.

It’s such a fucking choice.

What happened last year?

A lot of fucking shit happened, that's what. Started off in Argentina for New Year's came straight to LA from there for my final semester in school, went back to CT for the summer and finished the year off back in LA.

Bought my first styling hat, graduated, learned to get over some of my fears of heights, went of my first road trip, got my first real job, started paying off rent and most of my bills by myself, joined an online dating website, went on my first date and got my first blow job (JK!), and feeling better than ever before. This amongst tons of other shit and good times.

Trying to summarize this shit is impossible, kind of reminds me of making my OKCupid account. But what I will say is that none of this would have been possible without you guys. I love you all for giving me the confidence and courage to do things that may be a little bit risky or put me in a vulnerable situation because it has helped me grow a lot as a person. I would have never bought that hat, I would have never joined an online dating website, I would have never gone on that first date, if it wasn't for you guys. Hell I probably wouldn't have taken that summer job or gone on that road trip with such low amounts of money if it wasn't for the fact that I just wanted to be with you guys and hang out.

I will say that 2014 has started off with a bang by partying with Scott, Moe, and Ella and for the first time got a girl's number at a party. (I will update on this girl as I see fit). Fucking Scott was giving me shit the whole time for not dancing with some of the girls at the party and for talking shit before it but I thought I did pretty well. Baby steps!

Anyways, can't wait to hang with you guys some more, ESPECIALLY JOE! I will be having fridays off and that's it in January but hopefully my schedule will get better after that.

Also, just so you guys know, my sexual (or non sexual) escapades have become a prime talking point at my work as well. It's fucking crazy! Everybody in that office knows about my dates, they might even know more than you guys. Legit clients would be coming up to the counter to ask us for shit and we would be talking about it and they would get in the conversation and ask me questions.

Last point, me and my friend at work were talking about new years. And i told him that I got a girls number and I was pretty happy about it. He then responds with "Yeah mine was pretty good too." Takes out his phone, shows me a vid with two girls that are pretty good looking and goes "Yeah, I had my first threesome." But what's crazy is that I'm guessing that my high of getting that girl's number was the same as his high of getting the threesome.

Baby steps Adrian, baby steps.

I love you (part 3)

But the question remains? Where do I move after the bike trip? I definitely can't stay in Boston. I will soon have no friends here and as I explained about my Whistler in the Dark experience, I don't want to work in this town. So where to move.

It obviously comes down to this. New York or LA. And I gotta say, LA is really looking better and better. The big thing about New York is that, yes, it has the best theater artists in the world and the coolest theater is happening there. But I don't know anyone. I will have to start totally from scratch. A social tadpole. No friends, no work connections. Perhaps I'll get work, but it probably won't be for months. Moving to New York basically means knowing that I'm going to be real sad for 6 months.

And then there's LA... fucking LA. My only experience with LA is the summer I spent sleeping on Jesse's floor in Culver City. I definitely had an awesome time because I love Jesse, but the city sucked. But I need to face the fact that all of my closest friends live there. And they are working! And they will want to work and live with me!? And I'll be able to participate in a community of young artists trying to figure their shit out and get better. There isn't too much theater, but there is theater. And there is a lot of improv, and I could give working on film another try.

And the fucking cherry on top. Aaron, my older brother gave me a call the other day and was like, "Hey, just for the sake of asking, you don't want a car do you? I want to buy a new car and was gonna sell my old one, but do you want it?"

So that's it.

Please take me back (part 2)

I'm breaking this post into two parts because I just realized how much I'm writing.

Now looking forward. For years I've been telling everyone that I'm moving to NYC after graduation to be a New York theater actor. And thats what I wanted to do, so I had arranged to move to Brooklyn February 1st with a friend of mine, Sam Evans. Sam was in my acting class at Emerson. We began making plans to move in the beginning of November, and things were actually going smoothly.

Until about 4 weeks ago. Sam came over, sat me down, and confessed that her cousin who lives in Brooklyn has offered her the other room in her apartment. It's cheap, convenient, and she is going to take it. Rather than getting upset I said, That's okay, I understand, I agree, it sounds like you're doing the best thing for you, I wish the best of luck, have a great life, no hard feelings. She left and then I kind of had a mini anxiety attack. All of a sudden my entire life had no limits. I had no obligation to anyone or anything and I could choose to do anything. Absolutely anything. Move to Alaska to be a fishermen? Why not? Travel across the country woofing on farms? Fuck yeah. Make a band, go to mixology school and then make a living being a super fancy high class bartender? Nothing matters, I owe no one anything, I'm financially in the positives, got no girlfriend, I don't even have a dog.

And then this surreal, scary state I came up with a plan. I'm going to buy a really nice trekking bike. I'll ride around and train on for a couple months. Then, in March, I'll ship it to LA and jump on a plane and follow it. I'll get to LA and goof around for a week. See you guys, see Alex Neher, Ben Kabialis, get a lay of the land. Then get on my bike and spend the next 3 to 4 weeks biking 1200 miles to Portland, Oregon to see my oldest brother, Andrew.

And I'm going to do it! I'm buying a bike within the week, I've told my work that I'm leaving, I've started buying the gear. So fucking get ready, because I will see you guys/sleep on your floors in March!

I'm back. I swear dudes, I'm back (part 1)

Dudes,

I'm back. Starting off the New Year right. Back on the blog. I just got off a hour long gchat with Jesse and it felt so good to catch up and I really surprised myself with how shitty of job I've been doing keeping up with everyone. I've just been really removed from you guys. Part of that can't be helped because I'm leaving in a different city than everyone, but I just was never on the blog anymore.

But here we go. My past 4 months.

On September 4th, (I only remember the date because it was a day after my birthday), Kaitlyn and I broke up. I went over to her apartment and told her that I have to tell her something. I sat her down and after a while said, "I'm not in love with you anymore". I expected her to break down/be shocked/lose it, but instead she thought quietly for a minute and finally said "Me too". We had fallen out of love with each other and agreed that it was right to break up.

A few weeks later I became a bartender at Max Brenners. I've been having a killer time. I don't like working at Max Brenners anymore, but its fun being a bartender if that makes sense.

I've been going to the gym every day (with exceptions when I'm sick or holidays) and I'm in the best shape of my life. I've gained about 6 lbs of muscle and have never felt better.

I was cast in a show here in Boston with a local theater company called Whistler in the Dark. That experience was so bad that it prompted me to stop auditioning in Boston. That show closed Nov. 24th and I haven't auditioned since. Man, that show was so crappy that by the last week of shows I had to get drunk before the performance or otherwise I'd just lose my mind. We were reviewed really poorly in the Boston Globe which actually made me feel much better because it made me feel like I wasn't crazy and someone else agreed with me.

I've been writing a ton of music. Just a lot of content, and it's been very fulfilling. I'm working on a new full-length album, I'm 9 songs completed, and I know its my strongest work I've ever done. Songs about my brothers, my uncle, my dog, my nana, random sex encounters. The work is emotionally honest and simple and I'm very proud of it. Even if when I release the record and no one digs it and I realize that I'm totally wrong and these songs suck, I don't care. The just feel good to play.

As well as writing serious work, I've also written a short funny EP. I had to write those songs or else I'd be playing sad songs all day. The EP is called "These Songs Suck" and I just commissioned a local graphic artist to do the album art. The songs are okay, despite the title. There is a song about scolding a dog, a submarine, art school. It should be out by the end of the month.

2014: A Look Towards A Brighter Future, A Better Me

So, I've been thinking:

How depressed have I been over the past few years? Answer: pretty fucking depressed. But where does this depression stem from? Answer: myself.

I am the driver of my own existence. I make my life as happy or miserable as it is. But why have I been doing this to myself? My guess is laziness. My guess is fear and anxiety. My guess is because I am self loathing for no reason other than I want to seem humble.

Two years ago we tried No Douche 2012, which didn't work well. We tried it, we douched it, but it was a good guideline.

Last year we tried No Hate/No Regrets 2013. I can say I tried as hard as possible not to hate, but towards the end of the year, I began hating everything: my lack of intimacy with human beings, my lack of drive to go out or even do things in my regular life. But this means that I failed at No Regrets 2013, arguably the most important part of the 2013 creed. I regret not doing anything. I regret having hate towards the end of the year. I regret a lot of things.

So where does this leave me? Page 1. Book 2. It's time to start over and begin the rest of my life.

2014 should be the year of a better me. I have so many vices I need to get rid of from my life: social anxiety, laziness, fear of failure, lack of self motivation. The list goes on. I hate that I have become this person. I need to break my bad habits and create good ones. I need to stop smoking so much (both weed and cigarettes). I need to read and go out more rather than playing video games or wasting time on the internet. I need to connect with more people on intimate and deeply psychological levels. I need to put myself in situations that will make me be on my toes, outside of my comfort zone. I need... I need...

I need to feel like I'm making progress, being the me I want me to be.

I need to look at this post tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now and think, "I am living up to my own expectations. I made a promise to myself and I kept it."

I will be less self conscious. I will check my Facebook less. I will be more in tune with the world around me. I will be more open and outgoing. I will masturbate less. I will smoke less. I will drink less. I will waste more time. I will make a name for myself.  I will be more positive. I will be the man I want to be. I will create. I will workout. I will cook for myself. I will be healthier. I will get paid. I will connect with more people around the world. I will step out of my comfort zone.

I will love my self for who I am and who I want to become.

I will be a better me. I will make 2014 a positive experience .

I am a better me.

Come along for the ride.