Positive vibes bred from the negative

Last night I tried something. I came home after a long and semi-annoying day of being on set. This set is a small webseries for some friends, which is fine, but I'm really tired of it. It reminds me of some of the mediocre sets I did in college. I am pretty much doing everything on set with the lighting and camera besides the DP. Anyways, I came home pretty angry and needed to smoke the second I got home. I lit up and got goddang high. (By the way I started reading this trippy ass webcomic I know y'all would like: It Will All Hurt). What I am getting at is that I almost had one of my usual nights in alone and that would have sucked.

I realized at 10 that I hadn't eaten all day because of my hangover. I decided I wanted fast food and I was deadset on Carls Jr. I don't know why, I just needed it. So I decided that I would go out and get Carls Jr. and then hit up a friend who lives out here who I was still yet to see.

Recently, when I've been smoking, I've been having deep thoughts about what I am doing with my life. It kind of helps me see my life from another perspective. It used to be negative, as you all know, but I've been embracing it for its positive attributes. I came to some conclusions last night, the first of which was that I need to start eating healthy. Like I am pretty much done with fast food for a while. The only reason I went out for food was because I was pretty high and I didn't want to clean the disgusting amount of dishes in my sink (partially, but not totally caused by myself). This plays into how I want to start working out and running again and hopefully start biking. But I want to start feeling healthy again. My skin has been pretty terrible and I feel like crap all the time and I think a lot of it stems from how I eat. So from now on I am going to mostly cook for myself and experiment with healthier foods.

So then I went to this party on my own accord because I have been so bored with life. Best decision. Like, I would have loved to have hung out with y'all, but I hadn't seen this kid in so long and I felt bad that I had been avoiding/too busy to hang with him. I didn't know anyone at the party, which was great. But I learned a lot in those 4 hours I was there. I learned I need to be more social. But I don't wanna talk to most of these girls. There's just something about party girls I don't like. Like, get your shit together. I wanna see someone who can handle themselves while drunk and still have a funny and good time. While I wanna have sex because it has been so dang long, I'd rather do it with someone I really want to do it with, not just any girl.

So I ended up talking to my friend's friends the entire party and smoking with him. They were pretty hilarious. But I got to realize so many things while I was talking to them. I realized that I never ever need to do cocaine. Like never. It isn't appealing in anyway. So I kept thinking about drugs and what I would be willing to try. I've decided I don't want to take acid. I used to think I did, but I know I am afraid to take acid. I'm not afraid to do psychedelics, so long as they are natural ('shrooms). I really don't need them. But I needed to actually tell myself that I didn't want to do acid ever and now I'm fine with that conclusion.

I also started thinking about my weed habits. I've been smoking pretty consistently lately. It has definitely been better for me, but I need to start slowing down. I kinda wanna make it special again. Now that my brain has accepted it as a fun drug, I need to start trying to only doing it once or twice a week again, not every day. But I think I am going to go on a break again during the winter and only do it once or twice in a few month span. I think it will be good for me.

In summation though, I feel better. I feel refreshed and ready to fucking start taking care of myself. I have clear goals (which the kids I was hanging out with were super supportive of having the vision I try to have about making films) and now I have ways to be healthier. In order to take steps towards being who I want to be, I just need to start on the road towards a healthier me.