Moment of Silence

My mind could not be quieted. Three days of partying, drinking and dancing four or more hours into the night. The pounding of house music from pumping up of the crowd each morning seemed to bleed past night fall and start again the next day without stopping. Undying crowds at the buffet from breakfast to dinner and back again. The constant joking knowledge that this might be our last job like this, where we all go to a paradise resort and hang out for a week. The feeling that we are being isolated by the staff and seminar goers. All these piece of debris pinging around my brain. Any attempt to quiet my mind had been fruitless. Even morning meditation had only been able to extend my clarity enough to realize just how noisy my brain had become.

So, a half an hour into the Maskerade Party on our fourth night and I was fed up. The single old fashion I threw back along with the incessant dancing in the sand had left me tired. I decided to do the unthinkable and leave. Leave the paradise beach with the beautiful dancing women and free drinks. Feeling unable to explain this to my coworkers I begin to sneak out. I started walking back but before I'm able to exit the beach our sound tech stops me and asks me where I'm going. I begin making small talk so I have time to think of an excuse. Luckily in the middle of my bullshit the girl he'd been looking for all night walks up behind him. He's pulled back into the party and my path is clear.

Finally way from the music I decided I had to do something with my night. Leaving and going to sleep sounded too frustrating. I formed a plan: get rid of these ridiculous clothes and head to a quiet section of the beach. Perhaps the rhythm of the waves would bring me a little peace. Just in case I decided to bring my phone and headphones so I could listen to Tyler's mix tape, should I get bored. Changed and out of my room, I made my way to the beach. I walked along the dark paths towards the ocean. Finally within ear shot of the beach, I ran into a group of seminar goers on their way to the party. Lost and masked, they blamed their predicament on lack of peripheral vision. I point out the way to go, oddly enough the same way I was walking. They followed me for couple minutes until I begin to veer off towards my own destination. They asked if I'm going to the party. As I hopped the fence to the beach I yell back "No!" and disappeared into darkness.

As my eyes adjusted, the first thing I noticed was the gigantic white cloud over head. This low hanging cloud was reflecting all of the resort lights back at the beach and right on top of me. It bathed the sand in a soft artificial glow. The thatch umbrellas that line the beach project soft perfect circles on the white surface. It was gorgeous and eerie. I slowly made my way through the city of umbrellas towards the water. Half way there and I began to feel wind pick up. All day it had been stagnant and calm but now it began to blow ocean spray furiously across the beach. Finally it seemed like nature was echoing the state my mind had been in all day. Soon what I believed to be ocean spray was getting heavier and more numerous. And the giant cloud that cast its soft light over me was actually a giant rain cloud. The down pour began and I jumped underneath an abnormally short thatch umbrellas. The reeds from the umbrella were so low they almost touched the day bed I was now laying on, which helped keep the sideways spraying rain from hitting me.

Secure in my safety I realized it: I was stuck. Any attempt to get back to the resort would leave me and my phone soaked. I had to wait it out. What to do i the mean time? I consider listening to music but the noise of the water and wind made that less than ideal. Given that this is an opportunity to be still, I decide to attempt meditating for the second time that day. I try to concentrate on my breath but the wind is hitting me so hard I can't feel it leave my body. Without the feeling of breath to hold onto, my mind wandered and eventually lead me to imagine myself swimming off into the ocean at night and being eaten by sharks. Realizing my mind was still far too violent to meditate, I was out of ideas. I shuffled in the day bed and felt my phone in my pocket move. That's when I remembered I had taken a few notes from the speakers that day. I pull it out to take a look. One such note I found was the outline of a 15 minute daily practice described to us that afternoon. It wasn't as aimless or unguided as meditation. Perhaps the added structure could help me focus and relax until the rain passed. There's no harm in trying.

I start to read my notes: Begin by imagining a bright loving light that starts in your head and begins to grow. It grows to fill up your whole body, then your whole town and city and country and world. (Okay, a nice visualization of connection with everything. Simple and harmless enough.) The second part is about gratitude. Think of and acknowledge 5 people you're grateful for in your personal life and 5 people you're grateful for in your work life. (I liked this one a lot. It keeps you from taking things for granted and getting sucked into your own bullshit. I can dig it!) The third part is forgiveness. Visualize someone you need to forgive or needs to forgive you. Imagine them forgiving you and vice versa. Visualize the exchange. (It's weird how an imagined, proxy version of forgiveness is pretty satisfying. It also reminded me of how important forgiveness is.) The fourth piece is visualizing your day, the exercise is meant to be done in the morning. Think of what you want to accomplish that day and imagine yourself doing each step that needs to be done to achieve it. (This one is really nice because at the end of it you have a to do list you can scribble down and structure your day with.) The last step the speaker referred to as "the blessing". Imagine your higher power, whatever that is for you: nature, the universe, god, your own inner being. Imagine that higher power descending over you and covering you completely. And because the speaker believe your higher power shouldn't be something so far away from you, fist bump you higher power.

As I finished the last piece of the exercise I realized how quiet everything had become. I stuck my hand out the umbrella and felt nothing. I stepped out of my cover and saw that the cloud and all the artificial light had gone. And for the first time I could see the stars. And I could really see them! Orion's belt wasn't a clean three dots it was speckled with all sorts of points of light. To the right of that was a brilliant glint, pulsing from a deep red to a bright white light. I've never really seen a star do that, it was incredible. Finally I had walked past the city of umbrellas. With palm thatch out of my sight I saw the vast and deep black void in front of me. I walked towards till we touched and the warm bath-like water washed over my feet. Above the still, black ocean were perfect puffs of Caribbean clouds. I stood, feet sunken and eyes wide as different white shapes floated over me. They were turtles and rabbits and angel wings and roosters, all different perfect shapes. As each character pasted over me in peace, my mind finally breathed in silence and quieted.