Jamming to this harder than the most potent of liqours

Goddamn American Hero

A recap: I counted my pills last week and realized I was going to run out of medication when I’m home, which is only slightly terrifying because the only time I went off meds after being on them was when I dove into a 3-month spiral of doom that ended in self-harm past the mental state and a higher prescription (wee the system works!). So… Called the doctor to get a refill and tried to pick it up yesterday. Pharmacy says I can’t get a refill until 12/24. I leave 12/24. Call the doctor again, they move the date up. Pharmacy tells the doctor that’s all fine and dandy, but my insurance is saying hells no. Call my insurance and they’re all, “naw man it’s chill”. 

Cut to: Pharmacy – Night. 

Line. There’s always a line at the pharmacy. Just rows and rows of frustrated sick people. The pharmacist at the end of it blatantly ignores everything I’m saying and spouts information like a programmed machine. One more point to drones running the world. 

Dude finally calls my insurance and again ignores important information I have to give him – like my insurance group number or, you know, any identification for who I am. He asks for my phone number. I’m looking him right in the eyes as he writes down none of it. He asks for my phone number.

Fast-forward to more waiting.

A homeless lady is on the verge of tears because after weeks, her insurance finally clears, but the pharmacy doesn’t have the medication in stock. She can't go to another pharmacy without starting the process all over again. Another sad pharmacist is trying to deal with this lady screaming at him for asking her address. Of course, he’s only asking this information to correctly validate her identity, but it’s using an additional 2.5 seconds of her time, so we can't have any of that. Five people in a row are tapping their phones.

I get back in line after 30-minutes or so and the guy nonchalantly says, “Oh yea it’s ready” – as if I hadn’t been sitting right in front of him, waiting, staring him down for the past half hour. Couldn't flag me down or give me a heads up? Yup. Great. Back in line. After nearly two hours at the pharmacy, it takes all my strength not lose my shit like the lady with her ten orphan Christmas babies. I smile. I crack a joke. I try my best to be a decent human because I’m a fucking good person. A goddamn American hero.

Medibletations: The Cheese Grater Perspective

We both approach life from either side of two cheese graters. From behind yours, you think and function and exist. But for me to see any trace of what's going on back there, you have to jam your thought through a cheese grater. Then it will exist in a scattered and partial form in the space between our graters. The form is called Language. I imagine spoken word, body language, and art all floating in this no mans land. It is then up to me to decode as much of this language as I can by gathering as much as can get through my cheese grater. From there, I will get something comparable to the dinosaur DNA they had in Jurassic Park. Like those engineers, I then fill in the blank spots with things I already understand from my own database of past knowledge, and end up piecing together a projection of what you actually are.

NYC Story

I probably have better stories about my trip but the one that sticks out to me now happened a couple nights ago.

Gia and I were coming back from seeing her family in Rhode Island. The bus was nauseatingly hot. We slept uncomfortably until we were let off in Midtown. The cold air was refreshing and we took a slow walk to the subway. Underground our train came quickly and sat down for an hour long trip home. We decide to take the time, now away from family and the exhaustion of holidays, to zone out with our respected music. Halfway though my TV on The Radio album our train hit major delays.

An extra thirty minutes and we're above ground on the open air track in Brooklyn. The night skyline is beautiful, Gia and I finally feel recharged from the long weekend away. Our stop comes and we get up to leave. Gia walks out the doors and I trail behind with my roller suitcase. A black woman who has been sitting across from us for the last hour also stands up. As I began to exit the subway, I look back at my rolling luggage and notice this woman is now staring at me. As I break the threshold of the train car, the woman spits at my face and in a deep and angry voice grunts "Asshole".

The door closes. I have spit on me. We walk home.

Another late night...

 

Another song about chicken.

Museum of Adrian Raps

Museum of Joe Rogan Podcasts I Liked

Museum of Internet Screenshots

We are all monkeys and it makes me happy

I am deeply afraid of the dark. I'm scared I'll be swallowed up by some sort of paranormal activity and the last time I was in the dark for a prolonged amount of time, our tent was attacked by a mountain lion -- which actually wasn't that bad because I had convinced myself it was a tribe of rabid squirrel and deer, joining forces against the human race.

Anyways, last weekend I ended up in the dark alone.

I decided to check out the Carrizo Plain to volunteer and see the super duper moon. Alone was not something I had really planned, but on my growing list of fears is asking people for things because asking for something means you want something and wanting things is the #1 cause of not getting the thing you want, so I try to limit this practice in my life. Also, I've still got a lease on this parasitic bird in my brain that repeatedly tells me that every action is an inconvenience on the lives of others, so I suggested that people can come with, but opted not to push the issue if there were no takers.

The Carrizo is 50miles of grassland, cut in half by the San Andreas fault. A fellow volunteer had written several books about the place and a common theme was the how time seems to stand still around the area. And it really is that -- still. In between the buzzing flies and occasional caw, there was nothing. No trees to hear the wind. No gentle laps of water or flowing creeks. No cars. It occurred to me that this area has the largest concentration of endangered animals in California because everything is dead. I sat and listened to the vibrations in my brain.

As night fell, I was alert. Audri warned I'd get torn apart by coyote and I was a tiny bit worried that I didn't even have a poop shovel to protect myself, but to be honest, I was a little more afraid of turning around to see a zombie-ghost with a shotgun. Or worse, a zombie-ghost with a kind heart that was looking for a friend because I'm not prepared for that type of responsibility (poop shovel or not). My ears perked to rustling bushes and I would stare into the darkness until everything was still again. I scurried like a rodent. I sang to the owls to earn their trust. I grew comfortable in the dark, but waited patiently for the light. I watched the sunrise and felt completely satiated by the world around me.

Back tracking a bit -- my consciousness has a way of tearing itself away from my physical body. A disconnect. I talk and it feels like I'm being fed a transcript. I look at friends I have known for years and they will suddenly feel alien. I know I am me, but it doesn't feel like me and everything slowly drifts out of place. My existence becomes a dream. (This is a terrifying experience and I don't recommend it.)

So miles away from civilization was the last place I thought I would regain a connection with anything. But in this desert grassland, I was connected to everything. I saw how animalistic my behavior had become as I sought shelter and shade like a frightened lizard. It reminded me of leaping across a river next to a family of elk in Yosemite or teetering back and forth like a chameleon on loose rocks in the Angeles National Forest. The commonalities we share with all living things on this earth became abundantly clear to me. We're all just animals. We are all these silly creatures flopping around trying to make do with what we have and I recognized the ridiculous notion that I have to be something. I already am something. I am human. I am an organism rooted to this planet and in 24 years, I have morphed from a sac of goo and bones into a thing with thoughts and consciousness and mobility. We all have. Just imagine the possibility for our brains to expand in the next 24 years -- the knowledge and experiences yet to be had! And I don't know if it's because all my oldest cells have begun to die out, leaving a fresh new human, but lately, every sunrise, I feel reborn.

I don't know if this resonates with anyone, if you too can grasp at the concept of connectedness with me. I wrote the bulk of this in snippets while laying naked in the middle of nowhere, so it seemed a lot more clairvoyant than it probably is, but if nothing else, life is meant to be shared. My last thoughts from this camping trip is more of a hope. A hope that even in this barren wasteland of space and oil mongering machines, we can find a sense of peace in the golden hills and drifting clouds. Too many hours are spent looking at the same four walls and it's easy to forget that there is a force in the world that can fill our bellies with good things. There are so many possibilities in our lives and I hope to continually be intertwined in this big ol' yarn ball of life with y'all. That's all.

Damn, I just had to put out my Jibber-Jabber to write this. But it's gotta happen. A blog renaissance is brewing.

I am currently awake, which, if you subtract my hour nap at 1 PM, means I have been awake for 24 hours +/+. I am currently listening to Frontier Psychiatrist (it's ending as I write this) by the Avalanches and it's always been a favorite. Now it's Asyd by The Televibes (very good, check them out, I'll send you what I got).

Anyways, I haven't updated myself in a while and now's the time to reflect. My brain is deteriorating at an alarming rate. So I'll keep it simple (I hope).

I just worked on a set for free. It was hands down one of the worst sets I've ever been on. The only saving graces being Dan Finlayson & Co., along with new G+E friends, with whom I snuck off and smoked with the entire night through. That part was fun and I can definitely say I did my job better because of smoking. I was much chiller. I let it all just roll. I got angry towards the end, but who wouldn't be after 16 hours on set overnight.

I also hate my job at the camera house. It's just no good. I work to the bone, I slave over these orders. I can't take it for much longer, but deep down I feel like I have another 6 months. (Side note: Player's Ball by Outkast just came on you have no idea how good this is right now. I gotta send y'all this playlist it's been just fucking great. It's called  "It's 330 AM Why is time?" and consists of 42 songs I picked over the night from 330 onward and, damn, it's killing it). But yeah, I can't quit. I need money too much. I have 1500$ floating around from Vice when I was shooting with Lance Bangs (of Jackass). That work has been great. I'm seeing comedians and shooting cool stuff. Hope that shit picks the fuck up soon.

Anyways, I'm not feeling fulfilled. The only fulfilling things in my life are my Ghost Roommate webseries and MMA. Ghost Roommate is moving. Finished a second episode. I like it. I'm working on the third but I haven't had anytime to write this week because of work work work. It sucks. It really does.

My birthday is coming up soon and I count that as an obvious "New Year" day. I didn't do much with 23. I did stand up, fine. I got some cool freelance, okay. I've learned a lot, fair. But, I haven't felt fulfilled. Not that I ever plan on being satiated. But I need something to be completely mine. I need more photos and I need to keep writing. So I'm gonna try my best. It's about being my best.

I'm not gonna make this another list of what I need to do with my life. I already know what I need to do, now I'm just gonna do it.

I miss you guys a lot. I need to do way better of seeing you guys in the future. Adrian, I hope you're keeping strong man. I know it's hard and this is just the worst. All of my vibes are being sent to you and your own.

Love you all.

Good night.

(The playlist just started The Operator by Brain Mountain. I can't even).

I just found out about health goths

Update from the East

I kinda feel like an astronaut, reporting from so far away with everyone back there.

Anyways, since I last blogged about my dad, I talked to him and basically confirmed that there's no time table. He's continuing to see his oncologist which is good. This week his bloodwork was a bit improved, and he gained some weight, which he'd been struggling with, so that was also good. Still not on any treatment for the cancer though.

So anyways, I'm left with the choice of staying here indefinitely to try to help my dad however I can, or coming back home in a couple weeks, being on standby to fly back if his condition worsens, but otherwise continuing my life as normal.

I'm gonna give it a few more days to decide, but the last couple days I've been leaning towards coming back home for October. Being around you guys and keeping busy with work (which for me is a pretty positive environment) would probably make me feel better. But obviously that's a selfish decision. Which feels bad and re undermines the whole better-feeling thing.  But how do I stay here indefinitely?  My mom mentioned I could take a more formal leave of absence from my jobs and get a part time job here, but that just feels like the last thing I want to do.  Like as much as we shit on LA, whenever I come back here to visit I'm always reminded of how much I feel like I belong out there, especially with how much I've been back this year.  

Idk, even writing through my different options and the pros and cons of each is hard as fuck. I guess I'm gonna feel sick unless I do what's best for my dad, so maybe I just have to try to squeeze an answer out of him. I wanted this to be an ask the audience type of post but looks like I darn coughed up my thought-mucus all over this page. I swear I'll clean it up with a dumb poem tomorrow. But for now, anyone have any words of wisdom?

Tinder poem 00

Talkin to some ladies
Typin on da phone
Met 'em on an app
For those who wanna bone
Asked about her music
Asked her where she lived
Asked about some bullshit
That she said she did
One gave me her digits
Said to hit her up
Gonna wait a day
'Fore I send a "sup?"
Sometimes wake up horny
So I hit the app
But today I just don't care
Don't even wanna fap
Maybe by tomorrow
My balls will wake again
Hope I think of somethin
Smooth to message then
Probably won't happen
And I will be to blame
But that's just fine
It's been some time
Since I felt any shame

Doozy

Dear blog,

I haven't made sweet wordly love to you since May 24th, and boy has this life been a doozy since then. This life has just been a nonstop train full of doozy...

Coming into 2015, I kinda had a feeling it was gonna be a year I'd always remember. Maybe because I have an affinity for odd numbers, maybe because 2014 was so forgettable, or maybe because on some level my consciousness has already experienced all moments of this incarnation and is just progressing through them to create the illusions of time and free will, and what I perceive as intuitions are actually reactions to a future event that, on a higher plane of existence, has already happened. 

And so yeah. At any given moment I've been drowning in the depths of overwork (know I'm not alone here), experiencing a palpable revival of my appreciation of the universe through camping/traveling, and/or facing our mortality and the fragility of life through the lens of my dad's diagnosis and fight with cancer. And in this moment, I find myself lying on a guest bed in the house that my sister and her fiancé just moved into (Oh yeah, forgot to mention my sister got fucking engaged and moved into a gotdamn legit house) with basically my "normal" life on hold as I try to figure out how I want to handle my dad's situation.

More backstory. Last Friday, about a week and a half ago, I was just about to get out of bed to go to work when my dad asked if he could give me a call. I also forgot to mention that my grandmother has been in the hospital since early July with liver cancer/surgery complications, so I picked up bracing myself to hear something about her. And as my dad told me that he had some bad news, a small part of me hoped that it would be about her, but it wasn't. Basically my dad's doctor had told him that after months of trying different treatments, nothing had been able to stop the cancer from spreading, and there was nothing else they could really do for him. He was going to start hospice on Monday. Then his girlfriend was on the phone saying how he put up an incredible fight, then he was telling me how his sisters and dad were there with him, and how he and his girlfriend were going to their beach house in Hull for the weekend. Somehow I blabbered my way through that phone call, then just kinda let everything sink into my reality.

Perhaps a frivolous sidenote, perhaps not, but for me what happened after that was a super-aware state of mind. Colors and sunlight were brighter, and I swear I could smell my celery plant from the toilet door, which maybe you guys can and I just have a weak sense of smell, but in that moment everything was noticeably heightened. (PS-can someone water my celery plant?) Anyways, the human experience never ceases to fascinate me and I thought this was noteworthy.

So moving forward, I told my bosses about the situation, talked to my mom and sister, and got an earlier flight to take home. I had a great bike ride with Tyler that night, had a great last meal with some of y'all, and most surprisingly had a great talk with my documentary boss, who gave me a book on Tibetan Buddhism that deals heavily with the subject of death. And then I flew home, preparing myself to face death head on without avoiding any aspects of it or having any regrets about the process. 

When I went over to my dad's for the first time, I found that the "end is nigh" mindset that my dad and his girlfriend (and pretty much everyone else here) I had perceived on Friday was replaced with a business-as-usual attitude. They were trying to continue to fight it with his diet, and hoping to recover his immune system, and maybe get healthy enough to get back on treatment. The main thing, his girlfriend said, was staying positive.

When someone's survival strategy is staying positive, it seems counterproductive to ask them how much time they have left. But without that answer, I don't really know what to do. What feels the most right is being around, trying to enjoy time with him, and trying to help with his diet strategy. I love my dad, and I want to do whatever I can to help him through all this. But I can't just hang out here forever, because all craziness aside I do love the life I've cut out for myself with you people, and i have to get back to that at some point.

My dad's going to the hospital in the morning, and I was hoping to go to get some intel from his doctor, but he didn't want me to go. But maybe he'll let me know what they tell him. Anyways, as tough as my situation is, I know his is exponentially harder, so I'm trying to bear with that. So we shall see.

That's all for now folks. I'll leave with a quote I pulled out of the book my boss gave me. And maybe I'll blog more about this book and my other readings sometime soon.

"Whether we fear death and refuse to face it, or whether we romanticize it, death is trivialized. Both despair and euphoria about death are an evasion. Death is neither depressing nor exciting; it is simply a fact of life.

How sad it is that most of us only begin to appreciate our life when we are on the point of dying. I often think of the words of the great Buddha master Padmasambhava: 'Those who believe they have plenty of time get ready only at the time of death. Then they are ravaged by regret. But isn't it far too late?' What more chilling commentary on the modern world could there be than that most people die unprepared for death, as they have lived, unprepared for life?" -p10

I Still Love This Blog

It's late, my mind is being very anxious and impatient. I need something to settle me down, something to ground me back to myself and the people around me. Its past 1am and no one is up; where am I supposed to go? The blog.

Even though all local and statewide projections say this is going to be the slowest blogging year in the history of human records of this blog, I know that blogmate change is a hoax! I still think this blog is amazing! This year of blogging has mainly been dominated by mushroom trips and who doesn't love that? I know the reason the blog has been so inactive is because we all see each other a lot.

Thats all well and good but I do long for the old days. I long to have an amazing adventure and then have the automatic thought "I've got to blog this". I miss documenting our changes and the stories of our lives as they unfold. Whether we are together or not I think we all miss out on something when we don't have a health blog and that is the opportunity to go back and see who we were as individuals and friends at any given time. I can't tell you how valuable that is to me.

Maybe our lives are moving too fast to document. If that's the case I think we need the blog now more than ever. With things changing as fast as they are I don't want to loose track of who I am as an individual or as a friend.

I check the blog every day. Just seeing that drawing in the background makes me feel better. Anyway, I just felt I had to say this. I love this blog and I miss it.

Fat Nihilist Dump

Off and on reading for the last six months, I've been reading Nietzsche's book Thus Spoke Zarathustra. It is unbelievable poetic, spiritual, pragmatic and dense. I knew I wouldn't be able to retain all the pieces of sage wisdom threaded throughout the three hundred page book so I decided to keep a list of quotes I thought were important.

Some of these quotes need context and I can elaborate if you like. Nietzsche is impeccable with his words and thus all of these are not meant to be easily digested. Some are dense and deserving of contemplation, if you so wish to engaged them. 

These are the ideas I thought were worthy of remembrance:

“Creating – that is the great redemption from suffering”

“Willing liberties; that is the true teaching of will and freedom”

“Ever since there have been human being they have enjoyed themselves too little”

“Grow weary of saying: what makes an action good is that it is unselfish”

“That yourself be in the action, as the mother is in the child; let that be your word about virtue”

“What the father kept silent, that comes in the son to be spoken”

“That time does not run backward, this arouses will’s fury”

“And only when he turns away from himself will he leap over his own shadow” (101)

“All that is living is something that obeys” (99)

“To stand with relaxed muscles and unharnessed will; that is the most difficult thing for you all, you sublime ones” (102)

“When power becomes gracious and descends into the visible: beauty I call such a decent” (102)

“They all muddy their waters so they might appear deep” (111)

“Backwards the will unable to will; that it cannot break time and time’s desire – that is the will’s loneliest sorrow” (121)

“This blessed certainty I found in all things: that they would rather dance on the feet of chance” (143)

“All is vain” (165)

“This – is just my way; where is yours” (169)

“Of little value is anything that has its price” (176)

“In your children you shall make amends for being children of your fathers: thus shall you redeem all that is past” (177)

“The good and righteous could not understand him: their spirit is imprisoned in their good conscious. The stupidity of the good is unfathomably clever” (185)

“For me – how could there be an outside me? There is no outside! But with all tones we forget that; how lovely it is that we forget” (190) *on the wonders of speech

“This today belongs to the rabble; who knows any more what is great, and what is small! Who has ever had good luck seeking greatness! Only a fool: the fool is lucky” (225)

“Some God in you must have converted you to your godlessness. Is it not your piety itself that no longer lets you believe in a God” (228)

“To bestow well is an art and the ultimate most subtle master-art of goodness” (235)

“Those who are base are now indignant at all beneficence and small donation; and let the over-rich be on their guard” (235)

“Beware that some narrow beliefs, a harsh, sever illusion does not catch you in the end. For you are now seduced and tempted by anything that is narrow and firm” (240)

“To encourage someone in despair – everyone thinks himself strong enough for that” (244)

The Night of Two Firsts. On Second Thought, Three Firsts.

A date that was a Coffee Meets Bagel message away from not happening. She was too far I said. What was I thinking? Deanna set me right. Go out to Big Bear, go hiking, meet a new girl, meet a new place.

How could I say no?

I’m 24 years old, what am I waiting for?

I was looking forward to the 2.5 hour drive. Work had been very stressful and I was about to go to Argentina so this was a welcomed break in between two madnesses. One in the past and one in the future.

It was my moment.

Listen to some good music and to some podcasts. Enjoy the views.

Think about the girl that I’m about to meet. A girl who can speak in Spanish. A girl who is not afraid to speak on the phone. A girl that enjoys hiking and isn’t afraid of the animals that might linger around the woods or me. She had traveled the world alone so there isn’t much she is afraid of.

I was afraid of her. Well maybe just nervous. I ripped off the button to my shorts kind of nervous. Was I sweating too much kind of nervous.

I stopped to buy condoms (just in case) but couldn’t. I wasn’t getting laid. That was not the point. I want to meet someone I can talk to. One who understands my jokes even if she doesn’t laugh.

I kept driving. She was cute in the pictures, will she be the same in person?

Minutes seemed like hours. Waited and waited. Asked the marina ranger if this was the right place. He guessed yes.

Ohh I think that’s her driving. Nope, she left the parking lot. Ohh wait there might not be any spaces left and she is parking on the side of the road.

Yep.

Oh here she comes. She looks the same. Phew.

Can’t go for a handshake. I had been talking to this girl for weeks. Almost a month.

Open up arms to show that it’s a definite hug she is getting. Get the hug. Step one complete.

Ok, start chatting. The drive was good. How far away do you live?

Blah, blah blah, blah.

Soon enough we had walked two hours making our way around Big Bear lake. We talked about anything and everything. We spoke about the normal stuff: What are you into? Where do you work? What did you study?

And then we spoke about the weird stuff: Do you believe in paranormal stuff? I’ve had crazy nightmares. My house was haunted. I’ve killed myself in my dreams.

No judgment, just interest.

We kept on walking. We kept on talking.

We go to Starbucks for some coffee. This was a cool starbucks though, it had a fireplace outside.

More talking. When am I going to make a move? Should I make a move when we go hiking?

She just told me she is going to Europe for a couple of months and then studying acting somewhere afterward. What does she want to do in this date? What is she comfortable with? What am I comfortable with?

I had a lot of questions. I’m not used to these situations so I didn’t have answers.

We hiked. She sweats a lot. I don’t. I overheat. She smells. But not really, she was awesome.

She took me on her favorite hike to do at night. She showed me how to climb through a couple tough rocks. She told me she had been hit by a car and that it turned her life around.

She has traveled so much and wanted to do so much more. I listened to her stories with intrigue and amazement. In all the dates had I been on thus far, never has a girl been able to hold my attention like her. We connected on levels that I had never experienced before.

She understood me, she acknowledged me. I like to “test” people with my humor. I need to see how weird I can get before they start walking away. She didn’t walk away, she laughed and more importantly she added.

I told her about the fort party and she loved it. She already started making comments about meeting up more. Does she just want a friend?

We were now sitting at the top of a rock.

Oh man I’m having such a good time. The sun is coming down. It’s getting cold. Should I huddle up next to her? Does she want me to make a move?

We are getting close but I couldn’t tell what to do. There was more to the date so I could wait. But how long?

It was finally too cold and we had to come down.

She lead the way. She drove stick shift. She made fun of people that were from “down the mountain.”

Man, I’m sitting at this bar/brewery eating some avocado and I couldn’t be having a better time on a first date.

We connected over our views on religion. That was a relief.

We connected over our feelings on friends from home. I still like my friends from back home but there seems to be a gap in how much I like them and how much they like me. Or in a sense how much I value them and how much they value me. And I know this sounds harsh but it’s the truth and it’s tough to talk about.

I talked about it with her and we both agreed.

Ok, feeling a little buzz. I think she is cute and I like her mind. I need to get a kiss, but when?

Off to see the stars.

What rock to lay on? I’m not really sure. The moonlight guided us. We both searched for a perfect rock.

It wasn’t a perfect rock but I lied on it anyways because I was next to her so nothing else mattered. 

Man, I’m looking at the stars on a first date with a girl and there is not a thing that feels weird about it.

Holy shit, I just saw my first shooting star.

Ok, now I try to get eye contact but she keeps looking at the stars. I know they are beautiful and cool but so am I.

I can’t get the eye contact that I want so I also turn to the stars (even though there is one just to the side of me ;)

We laughed a lot. We learned a lot. It was time to head back to the Starbucks parking lot. I had to get in my car and head on out. But how could this be? I haven’t gotten my kiss yet. This is not right.

I put my stuff in my car. We stand awkwardly. I want a kiss, but does she?

Ok, we do a really nice tight hug. It lasts a noticeable while.

I don’t want this to end and neither does she. It’s a 2 hour drive back and it’s already past midnight so I have to go.

Let’s talk about coffee meets bagel and the whole dating experience. It’s not the best topic but it’s a topic. Clearly we were delaying the inevitable.

I see my spot. I find that perfect in. She had met a really crappy dude that asked “Well, can I get a kiss goodbye?” What an IDIOT!

I’m not creepy and I have spent the last 12 hours of my life with her. I (that “I” is capitalized not because of grammar concerns but because it’s accentuated) will ask for a kiss goodbye and get it.

Ok, in for another hug. Now is my shot, now is my shot!

“Not.. uhmm… to be…uhmm.. that guy…” (killing it)

“You are not that guy”

“Can I...uh?” 

“Yes”

Thank god she stepped in because the words were hitting speed bumps.

She didn’t let me finish my question, did she understand what I meant?

Oh fuck it’s going to happen, I’m going to go in for a kiss!!!

What should I do?! Ok pucker up lips, make them kissy like when I play that weird argentinian game.

OHH MY GOD MY LIPS ARE ON HER LIPS! (AM I DOING THIS RIGHT? DID I MISS THE SPOT?

Ok, pull away. Stand awkwardly. From her reaction it couldn’t have been that bad.

Say goodbye. Fuck, I won't see her for two months. That’s ok I got a kiss. Get into car.

Nervously check phone because I don’t know what else to do.

Jesses texted. He wants to know if I’m safe. Haha jokes on him, I just got a kiss. I need to speak to him. I need answers. Did I do everything right?

Call him.

Start driving.

Put high beams on.

It’s dark out. I’m talking to Jesse with phone in my hand and I can’t explain myself very well but the important details he gets. Yes, I got a kiss. But holy shit I’m freaking out, what should I do?

Alright there are lights behind me. What the fuck is that?

Look at rear view mirror. Oh no it’s the fucking cops. What have I done? I just had a crazy moment in my life, why are they pulling me over?

First time getting pulled over.  

More questions, less answers.

I forgot my high beams were on. I’m sorry, cop.

He lets me go with a warning. I keep on driving and talking to Jesse. It’s a long drive back but I’m not afraid.

Nope, this lucky guy just got a kiss and there are enough thoughts in the head to last a lifetime.

Poor girl doesn’t even know what she is getting into. But maybe she does and for the first time a girl feels somewhat comfortable with me. 

Dare I say it, I don’t feel like a monster no more. What more can I ask?