Anyways, since I last blogged about my dad, I talked to him and basically confirmed that there's no time table. He's continuing to see his oncologist which is good. This week his bloodwork was a bit improved, and he gained some weight, which he'd been struggling with, so that was also good. Still not on any treatment for the cancer though.
So anyways, I'm left with the choice of staying here indefinitely to try to help my dad however I can, or coming back home in a couple weeks, being on standby to fly back if his condition worsens, but otherwise continuing my life as normal.
I'm gonna give it a few more days to decide, but the last couple days I've been leaning towards coming back home for October. Being around you guys and keeping busy with work (which for me is a pretty positive environment) would probably make me feel better. But obviously that's a selfish decision. Which feels bad and re undermines the whole better-feeling thing. But how do I stay here indefinitely? My mom mentioned I could take a more formal leave of absence from my jobs and get a part time job here, but that just feels like the last thing I want to do. Like as much as we shit on LA, whenever I come back here to visit I'm always reminded of how much I feel like I belong out there, especially with how much I've been back this year.
Idk, even writing through my different options and the pros and cons of each is hard as fuck. I guess I'm gonna feel sick unless I do what's best for my dad, so maybe I just have to try to squeeze an answer out of him. I wanted this to be an ask the audience type of post but looks like I darn coughed up my thought-mucus all over this page. I swear I'll clean it up with a dumb poem tomorrow. But for now, anyone have any words of wisdom?
Prefacing this by saying that I don’t have the slightest idea what I’d do in your shoes or even what to feel about anything that is happening. What I do know is that my gut reaction to the negative connotation of “selfishness” has forced me to weigh in on your decision. For me, living is selfish. Every moment of the day we decide to try to keep our bodies alive, feeding it resources that we somehow justify as ours and using the time/emotions of others to fill our self-worth. So to denote something as an “obviously selfish decision” seems a bit silly to me. I think I’m just trying to get at the fact that you shouldn’t feel bad about whatever decision you make. Pretty sure you’re going to cause this all sucks, but if you put the bad feelings all on the situation itself instead of your next step in life it might be a little easier on your brain?
ReplyDeleteOther than that tangential nugget, I can only suggest movement out of limbo and not to base any real decisions off work, since that’s such a temporary boring thing even though it's understandably distracting from life. Anyways… ample decisions in this oyster world of ours and regardless of whatever physical realm you decide to position your body for the next little bit or forever, we’re all here for you.
Hey, I don't know what you've decided (if at all) since you've written, so I might be late to the game. Keep in mind that although he probably is really excited that you're home, your dad still wants you to be happy because he's your dad. That being said, I think you need to consider how you would feel in either situation without the weight of having to work over your head, because if you decide to stay you can stay with family and get a local job, like your mom suggested. So it all really comes down to how you feel about coming back to the normalcy of LA, but being apart from your family and having to split when your dad's health deteriorates; or staying in MA with your family and putting your sense of normalcy on hold for the minute. Either way, your sense of normalcy has changed for sure no matter what you do. Being at work would keep you busy and be a distraction, and we'd all be able to hang out in person. At the same time, you probably could find things back home to keep you busy. And we'll always be there for you, even if it's just virtually. There's no right or wrong thing to do, it really just depends on how you feel. But don't rush a decision right away. I'm sorry, that wasn't a clear or simple answer. Love you.
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