I have a some clarity today and I didn't want it to go to waste. Here's where my heads been at.
I feel comfortable for the first time in my life and that scares me; cause to me adversity is the fuel that makes you a great person. So MLK and Gandhi would never have been great people if they weren't struggling against extreme, crushing adversity. Take a less grandiose example like any young film maker who's personal struggle elevates their work. If it all came easy it would have no worth, from great pressure comes a diamond, shit like that. That has been my thinking since I was young. And for the past year that has been my life. I've put an immense amount pressure on myself to push forward, thinking deep down that it would push me to achieve something. In the past year I have achieved more than I often give myself credit for and that raises a question: Would I have been able to survive a year on my own without all that pressure? That's the question that scares me. Because at the moment I don't feel that pressure. I don't feel stressed about getting ahead or getting my next gig. I wouldn't say I don't care about it but I feel like taking my foot off the gas pedal. I don't want to stress about it anymore.
These two weeks I've spent playing arts and crafts in my room were great. It was so creatively satisfying. My doodles turned into plans that turned into a bunch of raw materials that turned into weird psychedelic lights that hang in my room. And even if it didn't turn out exactly the way I wanted I was satisfied because I thought of something in my head and created it with my hands. I told Scott a few minutes ago, "All I really want to do right now is walk into the woods, find a nice spot and make it into a little home. Weave the vines into a hammock and carve chairs from fallen trees. Like the interior deign version of graffiti art". Now I know that sounds weird but it also sounds really fun. Creating these hidden public spaces that are now as much a part of a home as they are of the wilderness. Does that mean I should just stop what I'm doing and start the graffiti-interior design movement? Is that even an option? I've wanted to shoot movies for so long but has the fire gone out or am I just older?
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It's nice to have this moment of clarity because I think these questions have been floating around me for a while. For the moment I'm gonna keep pushing forward with my goals and just keep an eye on how I feel about them. As of now I've got a shit ton of free time to explore these other outlets so there's no reason for a drastic change. I just wanted to put this out there and share what I've been thinking about.
i think ive had kinda similar thoughts.. like the thought of failing to get a film-type career doesnt scare me that much.
ReplyDeletearound this time last year i spent a weekend in fitchburg with a few of my closest friends who arent you guys, and we were driving stoned through the woods talking about how perfect it would be if we just got some cheap property in the middle of nowhere and just built a log cabin or something, and got solar panels and a farm and all that shit so we'd just be 'living off the land' as much as we could. we were a bit more realistic, like maybe we'd live close enough to some town to have part time jobs or whatever...anyways, our reasoning was realistic enough to make the idea sound possible. it would just require a big Fuck You to all the norms and expectations of 'society' that we've kinda based our lives around fulfilling. but we'd be happy and chill as fuck living with our best friends in our little cabin. on the drive back to boston i remember looking at my life compared to that fantasy, and how the path i was on was leading somewhere completely different. it kinda bummed me out, that i/we supposedly have free will, but it's hard to fully use it because we have so many ties holding us back.
anyways ill try to wrap this up...basically i think if you feel comfortable with life, then that's good. if your comfort is leading you to sit around and do nothing all the time then that's probably bad. but it sounds like with you, and i know with me, the fact that youre still making shit that you feel good about means you dont really have anything to be scared of. like yeah youre not getting paid, and the arts and crafts isnt what you went to school for, but who gives a fuck? i guess people who are looking at your life from the outside might criticize it because youre not progressing career-wise, but there's a lot more to life than your career. if there wasnt that would be shitty as fuck. i guess you could break it down into career, friends, family, personal art/creating, hobbies/pasttimes, education...this is probably how the Sims got invented but anywhoo im gonna try to finish this comment.
goals are good, but doing/making crazy weird shit is good too. the crazy weird shit that i make is probably what i like best about myself even if its just weird bullshit that nobody else likes. but when other people do like it its even more gratifying. like your idea of making interior design graffiti sounds awesome. but you dont want to make it because i or anyone else thinks its awesome, its just what you want to do, which is kinda what real art is in my opinion.
did i just make the same point twice? i dont know. hope my shit made sense and that i finished whatever point(s) i was making.
now that ive written this much, i figured i should end with a joke, so here goes:
channing tatum is a great actor.
FILM COMMUNE 2013
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