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So I got really high yesterday. Really, really high. Similar to tripping, this high led to the dissolution of many delusions that are almost forced into your brain by day-to-day life in Los Angeles. I extrapolate this to represent all of American culture, and possibly all Western culture, and who knows what else, but really all I know for sure is that this is how it is where I am. The delusion of a "nice neighborhood" faded rather slowly; at first I enjoyed the green lawns, the tree with red flowers, the clean sidewalk and pavement. But the repetition of it all...the regular intervals at which the trees occurred...the perfectly matching shade of every lawn...it lifted the curtain and revealed the planning and human thought behind it. "Those humans will feel comfortable if we make it look like this," they must have said over a conference table. Suddenly I felt like an animal in a zoo. Nature was destroyed, paved, and my entire environment was designed and built in its place for my comfort. This had always been a background thought, but suddenly it slammed its way to the forefront. We're being made to live a designed existence. I thought of the urban planners as high lords looking down upon our movements from above, but in turn I knew this was an oversimplification. Later this very day, Adrian would be travelling to another section of the artifice to meet with one of these very people in the hopes of enjoying a night in her presence*. This girl is no high lord, she is no different than any of us, working a job so she can carry on a healthy life that she will try to enjoy. The planners themselves are part of the plan.
Finally we reached the car. Pop music was on, and with two of us high and the third possibly second-hand, we were able to see the utter lack of human complexity and thought presented by the song playing. The song had one idea: treasure. It was a guy telling this girl she was his treasure. No reasons or explanations were given as to what elements of her humanity connected to elements of his that were so rare as to feel as if he had actually found a treasure. Ultimately, it simply provided a singular thought (we dubbed it "mono-thought") that was positive and easily relatable. The planners knew what people liked, and calculated the music accordingly. I was feeling more and more like a lab rat.
When we entered CVS, I lost any and all feeling of connection to natural, unplanned reality. This store was designed for placated humans seeking comfort and convenience, so as to minimize the interruption to their planned-out routines that serve to continue the artifice. As we waited, the other humans stood in their line silently; maybe it was improper to talk, maybe everyone had simply run out of thoughts. The three of us positioned our bodies such that one person was not facing either of the other two, but also such that we wouldn't draw any other human-attention to our group. I felt like the character in Rick and Morty, living in a simulation of the universe being run on minimum power. We are crazy animals to have created such a situation for ourselves, all in the pursuit of our own comfort!! What was crazier to me was that this was widely accepted as normal, and how I could be seen as the delusional lunatic for failing to accept it myself...
I was still shaken by these implications when we returned to the apartment. My feelings were eased, however, in the presence of true and great authenticity. We were met by a freshly showered and dressed Adrian, trying with measurable success to cool his nerves before a potentially monumental life experience. As we joked around and interacted, making each other laugh and provoking each other's creativity, I saw a pillar of reality among the artifice. This is unplanned, natural experience, and here it is just for us.**
Later, after leaving the apartment, we were left to our highness and made our way down to the pier. As we walked, the sun was beginning to set behind a patchy veil of clouds. The orangey and grey-green scene looked something like an artist's rendition of a distant sun setting on an alien world. But this was our world. This was reality. Throughout the high, I'd been feeling weird about my essence as a human. I just felt like this weird alien thing, and like everyone else had figured out something that I hadn't. In that moment, looking at the alien-like sun going down over the edge of view of this planet, I felt like I had more in common with that scene than I had with any of these other people that I pass when I'm out in the world. And I was again reminded of nature, and how that is what is real.
As with any uncomfortable high, I looked forward to coming down. I had spent my day outside of this culturally agreed upon reality, and was instead observing it from the view of natural reality. But it was time to return. And this is the challenge I face. Because the reality that feels most natural to me, the one that I "understand" the most, is what I'm referring to as "natural reality." But I'm fairly certain that I need to assimilate into what I guess I call "culture reality" in order to live the best life possible. Culture assimilation is how you meet more people and make more money. The right amount of these things (and the right people of course) allows for more diversity and richness in life, and while not impossible, it definitely feels harder to gain these things without assimilating into normality.
Later that night, after coming back down to something in the neighborhood of normal levels of perception, I just chilled and hung out with the girls and got a good dose of life-affirmation. Earlier in the day I felt like a complete outcast and lunatic, on or past the fringe of culture, but talking with them really re-calibrated me to where I was, and come to find out I'm not crazy...if anything I don't have enough delusions.
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* i.e. pussy
** I love Terrence McKenna because he knows and talks about this experience specifically.
Dude. This post. You hit a new level with this post. I connected with you on almost every aspect of it. Having lived through this experience, also high as high, you were able to describe my day without me having to.
ReplyDeleteI will say, every piece we saw yesterday was reality. Whether it was made by human hands and design, like the neighborhood, CVS, music, and pier, or natural like the sunset we experienced, everything was so real.
I so looked forward to that come down off of that high. It’s always been one of my favorite parts. But I gotta say, your last paragraphs left me in a weird spot.
I want to live in the natural world as much as possible. I hate this artificial cityscape. I don’t always feel like myself. I second-guess all actions. I’m not living in zen. But I will not culturally assimilate. Assimilation has been a part of life forever and my ancestors had to deal with that bullshit (See: Greeks in Israel, Diaspora). I’m personally not going to assimilate into a “culture reality”. I don’t see that it will lead to more friends and money. I actually have no reason to dismiss the reality I live in now. I live a good life, no matter how much I complain about it. I do cool things like going to shows with friends. I revel in media culture even more than a regular person. Media culture is my life and I am always bound to step upon something that falls within the culture reality you referred to.
All this being said, I understand the point of view taken here. I don’t feel like I go out enough. I do sit around all day, but I do notice that most good things happen at night. I need to meet more people, experience more things, live life. If I learned anything from yesterday’s experience, it’s that life is better when I fucking do something. It’s not a “cultural reality” because cultural reality, especially Western “cultural reality” is shaped and molded by the hands of men as you said before. The world is shaped by men, which I fear is becoming too much of a natural reality and too many fall victim to its grasp.
I’m not saying I’m doing any better on the fringes of society than an average person. I’m just saying life is how you live it and I choose to do whatever makes me happy. Whatever stimulates my mind. Whatever I feel is good for me.
Basically what my comment boils down to is this: do you. I say it all the time. It seems super Buddhist to me. Whatever you deem good for you is good for you. We have awakened minds and are able to see what is in front of us. This post you wrote attests to this.
We should start doing things that are less on the fringe, but never forget who you are. I don’t ever fear you, or any of the Awesome Room writers will, but assimilation is tricky business.
Do you.
Yeah I also felt weird and wasn't sure what conclusion to draw from everything. Adrian's blog put the need for acceptance into better terms, but when I talked about assimilation here I was talking about basically the same thing. I've been really lucky to always have friends who were so real and anti-assimilation (Brandon pretty much epitomizes this) that it's shown me how bullshit assimilation is. Rereading my statement that "culture assimilation is how you meet more people and make more money," I know that it's bullshit, but at the same time I can't really disagree with it. For me it's the same as a job interview or first date: you have to get accepted by proving you're a normal person, and then once you're in you can showcase your awesome eccentricities. Essentially you're dumbing yourself down for people, because the culture has agreed that abnormal is bad. But of course I can't disagree with the "do you" philosophy either, and that whole idea of abnormal being bad is just me imagining how other people perceive things, which is almost impossible to judge.
DeleteAnyways, this all got me wondering if humans have pondered the absurdity of their current rules and cultural conditions since they first gained consciousness. Just a fun thought to play with.
2true about job interviews. I guess I should apply that to first meeting people too. I sense I can be off-putting when I act so absurdly. I tend to embarrass myself for the benefit and entertainment of others. I've lived that life for so long I really don't know anything else. But at Division when I interviewed and when I just started, I showcased knowledge and ability without eccentrics. Eventually, like every job I've worked, my eccentricities will come out and they will accept them and hopefully enjoy them. Maybe my problem with women and meeting new people plays into this.
DeleteWill see in future.