My day was terrible because it wasn't positive. And because it wasn't positive, that doesn't mean it was inherently negative. This is just me meditating on my day and remembering all that happened:
See all that blank space above? That was my day. My day was a void. Nothing. Nothing happened. Nothing good. Nothing bad.
I wasted my day. I woke up at 1, a usual on my days of no work. I made eggs. I downloaded Cosmos. I played Hearthstone while listening to Duncan Trussel. Now, this is where my day got derailed. I had never listened to Duncan before today, but Adrian and Jesse were talking about it and I finally remembered his name. But he started talking about spring, and positive and negative, and doing things with lives. What am I doing with my life? Nothing.
I've essentially relived the same day every day for the past few weeks, with a few alterations and exciting things, but when it boils down to it, I'm wasting my days.
So I made the following comic as I was listening to Duncan talk about psychedelic
Am I the best version of me out there? No. There is a Josh in multiple parallel universes who have it so much better than me. But the original thought that spurred this comic is what I am saying at the top right: "I think I might be afraid of happiness." Duncan said this and it got me thinking about happiness and comfort and mistaking one for the other.
I'm comfortable guys, except I'm not. I'm about as uncomfortable a person who lives in comfort can be. I'm floating in limbo. I need to change and I know this. So what I did for the rest of the day was wallow in the awful. I did absolutely nothing. I didn't shower, I haven't brushed my teeth, I jerked off, I cooked dinner, I watched Hannibal, and I drew a nude self portrait. I bored myself. To tears. All in hopes to teach myself a lesson.
Hopefully tomorrow I fill in for Mike at Division and feel a sense of purpose. If not, tomorrow is going to be an interesting day and a blog-worthy one at that. Will I skate? Will I go to Samy's to buy film and try and get my light-meter fixed on my SLR? Will I go food shopping? Will I just run and never stop? Will I scream at the top of my lungs and hate my own guts? Or will I sit, in comfort, and wonder if I'll ever break this cycle of awfulness.
We'll see.
Bonus: Nude Self Portrait. (Not Really Safe for Work. I covered up my dick, though. (or did I? (I didn't you can see my balls.))): http://i.imgur.com/p648nLN.png
Not my best work, but if I keep trying, I know I can be mediocre.
I think you ned to stop being so hard on yourself, dude. It seems like you want to see this change in yourself so fast that you are overwhelmed by the changes you have to make so you end up doing what you say is nothing.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the small things, whether it's cooking eggs, listening to baller music, or drawing and don't be so quick to compare/rank them with something else that will make you feel shitty about what you just did. Those fucking drawings are awesome, I wish I could do more of that myself. To me what you did wasn't nothing. Maybe try to take smaller steps, instead of going running/buying film/ skating/screaming all tomorrow do just one or two of those.
I don't know, those are my two cents on the subject. I think you are great and awesome, fuck that mediocre bullshit!
Maybe life itself is just this giant mountain of a lesson, and everyone's on their own trail, and wasting days is fine because then you realize it and make some progress up the mountain. And you could go to work every goddamn day and make no progress up the mountain, because you're just giving your life to someone who needs something in exchange for money instead of learning anything. Of course there's also the other, more immediate mountain of career, which would be nice to make progress on too, because making money is pretty sweet. So yeah, my conclusion is to just always make sure you're climbing some kinda mountain. And what Adrian said about enjoying cooking eggs. On one of the Duncan Trussels I listened to today, he talked about how some zen-dude told him this chant that was "I am loving awareness," which you can interpret a few ways, but for me one of them is to love those little pockets of time that you catch yourself awake in. So just chill back and enjoy being a magic portal of novelty and perception, cus t'aint nuffin wrong wit dat.
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