What do I know?

Fucking nothing, that’s what.

The date came and went. I felt nervous for most parts of it and I could never truly relax. It was mostly because I couldn’t stop questioning myself. I think that my thirst for a bond with a female was so great that I could only think about what I needed to do to best be accepted by this female. And so in my head I put that in terms of what would an average man with experience in the sack do in this situation. I was able to be myself, sort of, but I was just never totally comfortable because I was second guessing my every move.

I couldn’t find a time to make a move at the restaurant. I didn’t make a move at the theater cause, well, we were watching a movie. At the bar after the movie, we got a little bit closer to each other but still couldn’t find a time to do anything. The final goodbye came in her car because she drove me to the bus station. I was very unsure what to do so I played it safe, went for a hug, as we hugged I heard a kiss sound right next to my ear (don’t know what the fuck that was all about) and then I peaced.

A couple of things kept bothering me about her but I was willing to overlook them for now. This morning I texted her letting her know that I had a good time and that I wanted to meet up next weekend. After a few hours she texts back telling me that she isn’t looking to date.

Back to square one!

I’m not mad, I’m dumbfounded and frustrated.

Fuck it, I’m fucking mad!

The thing is that the vibe of the date was ok and like I said before, there were a couple of things that bothered me about her but her most attractive quality was that she was willing to play along with my flirty texts and she seemed interested in me. I felt like she accepted me and was attracted to me, and that alone was good enough.

That’s one of the things that I have been thinking about lately. So much of what we do is to feel accepted and sometimes we are wiling to give up who we truly are just for the comfort of acceptance.

Adrian just wrote how things are planned to bring people comfort, and I agree, but to me the reason we feel comfort is because we feel that we are accepted. If I get this house, and I get these things, and I listen to this type of music, then people will accept me and as long as that is true then I will be comfortable.

Which brings me back to my date thoughts. It felt great to think someone accepted me so even though maybe it would have turned out that I disliked this girl, it still makes me feel shitty that she just said no to me.

So now after talking all that shit about getting a kiss and then hoping to fuck her on the reg, you guys can ask “Hey Adrian, what the fuck do you know about getting pussy?”

And I'll answer "Fucking nothing guys, absolutely nothing."

P.S.: This line from Adrian’s blog below, “My feelings were eased, however, in the presence of true and great authenticity” brought tears to my eyes. That’s exactly how I feel when I’m around you guys. Just an honor to be around great Senators. Love you all so much!