Tonight I went to a party. A girl was shamelessly hitting on me and things were going well. And then suddenly I felt empty...relentlessly, shamefully empty. I felt like I had no meaning in life and that this lifestyle was all a sham. A sham that had trapped me into a false sense of security and robbed me of my intellect, well-being, future, individualism, meaning, identity and hope...
I don't know if it's true. I don't know if it's right. I don't know if it's wrong.
But suddenly I felt like giving it all up.
I don't know how I'll feel about it tomorrow. I don't know how I'll feel about it the next day - or the week after that-- but I felt like giving up drinking, drugs, fucking, smoking, and partying.
Maybe they've just consumed me so long that I've become bored, maybe I have hit rock-bottom, or maybe I had a moment of false revelation...
In any case...I don't know if I should continue or veer off, what I though was, an unlaid trail, littered with the bodies of those who couldn't handle it.
Maybe the fact that I recognize this emptiness is the difference that makes it okay...maybe it's not...
Figured I'd say it while I was still thinking about it and drunk enough to be honest about shit. Who knows? This might be the wakeup call that pulls me out of a dark hole I've been crawling down...or it might be that I just unwittingly took a downer and am actually just experiencing the emotional side-effects of barbiturates.
I don't know how you all feel about this. So...go ahead and tell me...
In any case, fuck The World.
Sorry to ruin the party.
Well this was indeed a total bummer. it sounds like you need to get back to school and get some serious bro love. (im not trying to casually blow this post off, but also im not sure how to address it in blog form)
ReplyDeletebut also who gives a fuck because you are now a Cinematography Major!!! fucking congrats john!!!