My heart did swell
I felt so much
I nearly fell
In need of crutch
O how I knew
How I loved you
That time our nipples touched.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Sunday, March 30, 2014
What do I know?
Fucking nothing, that’s what.
The date came and went. I felt nervous for most parts of it
and I could never truly relax. It was mostly because I couldn’t stop
questioning myself. I think that my thirst for a bond with a female was so
great that I could only think about what I needed to do to best be accepted by
this female. And so in my head I put that in terms of what would an average man
with experience in the sack do in this situation. I was able to be myself, sort
of, but I was just never totally comfortable because I was second guessing my
every move.
I couldn’t find a time to make a move at the restaurant. I
didn’t make a move at the theater cause, well, we were watching a movie. At the
bar after the movie, we got a little bit closer to each other but still
couldn’t find a time to do anything. The final goodbye came in her car because
she drove me to the bus station. I was very unsure what to do so I played it
safe, went for a hug, as we hugged I heard a kiss sound right next to my ear
(don’t know what the fuck that was all about) and then I peaced.
A couple of things kept bothering me about her but I was
willing to overlook them for now. This morning I texted her letting her know
that I had a good time and that I wanted to meet up next weekend. After a few
hours she texts back telling me that she isn’t looking to date.
Back to square one!
I’m not mad, I’m dumbfounded and frustrated.
Fuck it, I’m fucking mad!
The thing is that the vibe of the date was ok and like I
said before, there were a couple of things that bothered me about her but her
most attractive quality was that she was willing to play along with my flirty
texts and she seemed interested in me. I felt like she accepted me and was
attracted to me, and that alone was good enough.
That’s one of the things that I have been thinking about
lately. So much of what we do is to feel accepted and sometimes we are wiling
to give up who we truly are just for the comfort of acceptance.
Adrian just wrote how things are planned to bring people
comfort, and I agree, but to me the reason we feel comfort is because we feel
that we are accepted. If I get this house, and I get these things, and I listen
to this type of music, then people will accept me and as long as that is true
then I will be comfortable.
Which brings me back to my date thoughts. It felt great to
think someone accepted me so even though maybe it would have turned out that I
disliked this girl, it still makes me feel shitty that she just said no to me.
So now after talking all that shit about getting a kiss and
then hoping to fuck her on the reg, you guys can ask “Hey Adrian, what the fuck
do you know about getting pussy?”
And I'll answer "Fucking nothing guys, absolutely nothing."
P.S.: This line from Adrian’s blog below, “My feelings were
eased, however, in the presence of true and great authenticity” brought tears
to my eyes. That’s exactly how I feel when I’m around you guys. Just an honor
to be around great Senators. Love you all so much!
Yesterday I Saw The World
It had been far too long since I was jettisoned this far from the routines and habits that ultimately amount to present-day American culture, but after two bong hits the shackles were broken, and I was finally free again to observe and experience the truth of it. You, my friends, are a refreshing and absolutely crucial island of reality among the endless sea of absurdity that surrounds us. How far it spreads I do not know. I fear the sea level is rising, but I don't believe the world will ever allow itself to go under forever. For our island is natural, and nature cannot be stopped.
So I got really high yesterday. Really, really high. Similar to tripping, this high led to the dissolution of many delusions that are almost forced into your brain by day-to-day life in Los Angeles. I extrapolate this to represent all of American culture, and possibly all Western culture, and who knows what else, but really all I know for sure is that this is how it is where I am. The delusion of a "nice neighborhood" faded rather slowly; at first I enjoyed the green lawns, the tree with red flowers, the clean sidewalk and pavement. But the repetition of it all...the regular intervals at which the trees occurred...the perfectly matching shade of every lawn...it lifted the curtain and revealed the planning and human thought behind it. "Those humans will feel comfortable if we make it look like this," they must have said over a conference table. Suddenly I felt like an animal in a zoo. Nature was destroyed, paved, and my entire environment was designed and built in its place for my comfort. This had always been a background thought, but suddenly it slammed its way to the forefront. We're being made to live a designed existence. I thought of the urban planners as high lords looking down upon our movements from above, but in turn I knew this was an oversimplification. Later this very day, Adrian would be travelling to another section of the artifice to meet with one of these very people in the hopes of enjoying a night in her presence*. This girl is no high lord, she is no different than any of us, working a job so she can carry on a healthy life that she will try to enjoy. The planners themselves are part of the plan.
Finally we reached the car. Pop music was on, and with two of us high and the third possibly second-hand, we were able to see the utter lack of human complexity and thought presented by the song playing. The song had one idea: treasure. It was a guy telling this girl she was his treasure. No reasons or explanations were given as to what elements of her humanity connected to elements of his that were so rare as to feel as if he had actually found a treasure. Ultimately, it simply provided a singular thought (we dubbed it "mono-thought") that was positive and easily relatable. The planners knew what people liked, and calculated the music accordingly. I was feeling more and more like a lab rat.
When we entered CVS, I lost any and all feeling of connection to natural, unplanned reality. This store was designed for placated humans seeking comfort and convenience, so as to minimize the interruption to their planned-out routines that serve to continue the artifice. As we waited, the other humans stood in their line silently; maybe it was improper to talk, maybe everyone had simply run out of thoughts. The three of us positioned our bodies such that one person was not facing either of the other two, but also such that we wouldn't draw any other human-attention to our group. I felt like the character in Rick and Morty, living in a simulation of the universe being run on minimum power. We are crazy animals to have created such a situation for ourselves, all in the pursuit of our own comfort!! What was crazier to me was that this was widely accepted as normal, and how I could be seen as the delusional lunatic for failing to accept it myself...
I was still shaken by these implications when we returned to the apartment. My feelings were eased, however, in the presence of true and great authenticity. We were met by a freshly showered and dressed Adrian, trying with measurable success to cool his nerves before a potentially monumental life experience. As we joked around and interacted, making each other laugh and provoking each other's creativity, I saw a pillar of reality among the artifice. This is unplanned, natural experience, and here it is just for us.**
Later, after leaving the apartment, we were left to our highness and made our way down to the pier. As we walked, the sun was beginning to set behind a patchy veil of clouds. The orangey and grey-green scene looked something like an artist's rendition of a distant sun setting on an alien world. But this was our world. This was reality. Throughout the high, I'd been feeling weird about my essence as a human. I just felt like this weird alien thing, and like everyone else had figured out something that I hadn't. In that moment, looking at the alien-like sun going down over the edge of view of this planet, I felt like I had more in common with that scene than I had with any of these other people that I pass when I'm out in the world. And I was again reminded of nature, and how that is what is real.
As with any uncomfortable high, I looked forward to coming down. I had spent my day outside of this culturally agreed upon reality, and was instead observing it from the view of natural reality. But it was time to return. And this is the challenge I face. Because the reality that feels most natural to me, the one that I "understand" the most, is what I'm referring to as "natural reality." But I'm fairly certain that I need to assimilate into what I guess I call "culture reality" in order to live the best life possible. Culture assimilation is how you meet more people and make more money. The right amount of these things (and the right people of course) allows for more diversity and richness in life, and while not impossible, it definitely feels harder to gain these things without assimilating into normality.
Later that night, after coming back down to something in the neighborhood of normal levels of perception, I just chilled and hung out with the girls and got a good dose of life-affirmation. Earlier in the day I felt like a complete outcast and lunatic, on or past the fringe of culture, but talking with them really re-calibrated me to where I was, and come to find out I'm not crazy...if anything I don't have enough delusions.
* i.e. pussy
** I love Terrence McKenna because he knows and talks about this experience specifically.
--
So I got really high yesterday. Really, really high. Similar to tripping, this high led to the dissolution of many delusions that are almost forced into your brain by day-to-day life in Los Angeles. I extrapolate this to represent all of American culture, and possibly all Western culture, and who knows what else, but really all I know for sure is that this is how it is where I am. The delusion of a "nice neighborhood" faded rather slowly; at first I enjoyed the green lawns, the tree with red flowers, the clean sidewalk and pavement. But the repetition of it all...the regular intervals at which the trees occurred...the perfectly matching shade of every lawn...it lifted the curtain and revealed the planning and human thought behind it. "Those humans will feel comfortable if we make it look like this," they must have said over a conference table. Suddenly I felt like an animal in a zoo. Nature was destroyed, paved, and my entire environment was designed and built in its place for my comfort. This had always been a background thought, but suddenly it slammed its way to the forefront. We're being made to live a designed existence. I thought of the urban planners as high lords looking down upon our movements from above, but in turn I knew this was an oversimplification. Later this very day, Adrian would be travelling to another section of the artifice to meet with one of these very people in the hopes of enjoying a night in her presence*. This girl is no high lord, she is no different than any of us, working a job so she can carry on a healthy life that she will try to enjoy. The planners themselves are part of the plan.
Finally we reached the car. Pop music was on, and with two of us high and the third possibly second-hand, we were able to see the utter lack of human complexity and thought presented by the song playing. The song had one idea: treasure. It was a guy telling this girl she was his treasure. No reasons or explanations were given as to what elements of her humanity connected to elements of his that were so rare as to feel as if he had actually found a treasure. Ultimately, it simply provided a singular thought (we dubbed it "mono-thought") that was positive and easily relatable. The planners knew what people liked, and calculated the music accordingly. I was feeling more and more like a lab rat.
When we entered CVS, I lost any and all feeling of connection to natural, unplanned reality. This store was designed for placated humans seeking comfort and convenience, so as to minimize the interruption to their planned-out routines that serve to continue the artifice. As we waited, the other humans stood in their line silently; maybe it was improper to talk, maybe everyone had simply run out of thoughts. The three of us positioned our bodies such that one person was not facing either of the other two, but also such that we wouldn't draw any other human-attention to our group. I felt like the character in Rick and Morty, living in a simulation of the universe being run on minimum power. We are crazy animals to have created such a situation for ourselves, all in the pursuit of our own comfort!! What was crazier to me was that this was widely accepted as normal, and how I could be seen as the delusional lunatic for failing to accept it myself...
I was still shaken by these implications when we returned to the apartment. My feelings were eased, however, in the presence of true and great authenticity. We were met by a freshly showered and dressed Adrian, trying with measurable success to cool his nerves before a potentially monumental life experience. As we joked around and interacted, making each other laugh and provoking each other's creativity, I saw a pillar of reality among the artifice. This is unplanned, natural experience, and here it is just for us.**
Later, after leaving the apartment, we were left to our highness and made our way down to the pier. As we walked, the sun was beginning to set behind a patchy veil of clouds. The orangey and grey-green scene looked something like an artist's rendition of a distant sun setting on an alien world. But this was our world. This was reality. Throughout the high, I'd been feeling weird about my essence as a human. I just felt like this weird alien thing, and like everyone else had figured out something that I hadn't. In that moment, looking at the alien-like sun going down over the edge of view of this planet, I felt like I had more in common with that scene than I had with any of these other people that I pass when I'm out in the world. And I was again reminded of nature, and how that is what is real.
As with any uncomfortable high, I looked forward to coming down. I had spent my day outside of this culturally agreed upon reality, and was instead observing it from the view of natural reality. But it was time to return. And this is the challenge I face. Because the reality that feels most natural to me, the one that I "understand" the most, is what I'm referring to as "natural reality." But I'm fairly certain that I need to assimilate into what I guess I call "culture reality" in order to live the best life possible. Culture assimilation is how you meet more people and make more money. The right amount of these things (and the right people of course) allows for more diversity and richness in life, and while not impossible, it definitely feels harder to gain these things without assimilating into normality.
Later that night, after coming back down to something in the neighborhood of normal levels of perception, I just chilled and hung out with the girls and got a good dose of life-affirmation. Earlier in the day I felt like a complete outcast and lunatic, on or past the fringe of culture, but talking with them really re-calibrated me to where I was, and come to find out I'm not crazy...if anything I don't have enough delusions.
--
* i.e. pussy
** I love Terrence McKenna because he knows and talks about this experience specifically.
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