Shroomies with Some Clems and Friends

It’s easy for me to say that this is an experience I will never forget, but I can already feel it fading. The images slowly slipping away as I remind myself of Kort’s absurd getup, Jesse’s goofy smile, Scott’s backpack-attached limp body, and that meadow at sunset. But still vivid in my mind is each atom of cold air melting into my skin, my internal chaos clashing with the still natural world, and everything in constant flux—flowing, curling, tied together by string. Through everything that was going on, I felt an incredible sense of peace and safety. Through all of your moving bodies, I felt home.

Below is a log of the events that transpired.

Log 4/18 — Big Bear Camp

10:15a             Sausage crisis adverted.

10:30a             To Josh’s!

12:11p             Kort yells “Sex!”

1:32p               Lunch at the Oaks

2:47p               Airing out feet.

                        Joint Seminar in Tent 1.

3:32p               Barton Finks. The hike begins.

4:01p               Jesse learns to look harder.

4:15p               Adrian fucked by depth. 

                        Josh licks the box. 

                        Dolphins?

4:24p               Jesse thinks of street cones. 

                        Game of Coneheads.

4:32p               Smiley face rock.

4:46p               I may have eaten too many clementines. Also it’s getting chilly.

4:52p               Don’t feed the duck.

                        You don’t need wingsss

5:01p               Things are not as stagnant as they seem.

5:25p               “Through the phone… I see a man!”

5:40p               I can’t draw this frog anymore

                        The frog is freaking me out
TSA — See something, Draw something

5:53p               HONEY

6:30p               I am carrying two honey-soaked shirts to the lake

                        To Jesse and the Adrians

6:39p               This number freaks me out, as if it doesn’t exist. I was trying to write everything down in the entry above, but I couldn’t put it all into words. I just stared at the grass watching each blade bend and curl, like a dance. Everything was very surreal. The boys at the water just something that I wanted to go to with all of my body and soul. My mind wanted to be there and when I arrived I felt all my anger and hatred not melt away like I had wanted or thought. Everything was exactly the same — but also serene and peaceful.

And then it snaps.

Sobriety? Everything seems more clear, but I feel different than before. Sadder. Confronted with all my demons and everything at once while staring at the grass.

I do not want to die, but I do not enjoy my existence in this moment. This is the first time I have been able to put that thought on paper. It's a bit uplifting, but where do I go from here?

6:53p               In the moment I still chose to leave the honey.

7:03p               I keep reaching to write the last entry... lost in the lake. Now I’m smiling. Am I still high? Adrian just yelled my name across the lake. Separated but I’m pulled back.

7:09p               I’m watching Adrian and Josh across the lake. Still not ready to be there yet. But I think they’re OK. How have they experienced their days? Only my life revolves around me.

7:13p               I should return to the group, but I just heard the wings of a bird glide past me. I think I’m good here.

I’m not going to try to control the situation anymore. I am going to learn to let everything go. Listen to the flutters, rapid beat of a moth around me, so mechanical.

7:18p               Oh, I just remembered I wanted to make a joke about wearing double pants.

7:50p               Stars. Planets?

7:                     Safe. Walking into darkness.

8:20p               We have started the fire. Ah good. Lacasse just passed me a headlamp. I forgot what I wanted to write, but I should write down that I feel like Josh and I are kindred spirits. I hope he doesn’t think that’s weird.

8:43p               Sausages have hit the grill

                        The car is flashing.

                        Help me Rhonda

9:30p               The Illegible Bachelor

9:55p               Pretzel peanut-butter in a marshmallow in a smore.

10:00p             The lantern looks like a star to me. We are also a lightly blue dot in the sky.

10:05p             Adrian finally pees.

10:33p             Hustle and bustle whistle.

11:10p            Cuddlepuddle stargazing

                        In the lump, part of the lump.

                        Smells of sap.

                        Adrian Kort has begun rubbing

11:46p             Blants.

12:01a             Jesse: “12:35 accepted death”

12:39a             Good night, friends.