By My Account

It always starts with grays going white. A glow radiates through the trees, their bark emanating light. At this point, I knew the next events in an experience like this. The world started bubbling. The limbs of trees twisting. The world seemed to breath as I did. We were one.

I found you all up on the hill, fools under the tree. Laughing and giggling. Rich was hidden on the grassy knoll above, poised to shoot us with an imaginary sniper rifle. It was framed perfectly as I ascended. I took my time.

And, like clockwork, I plopped down and indulged in the show before my eyes. The twists and turns of branches, the buds of leaves beginning to grow for spring. The light. The light! That golden light from the sun! I live by it.

And then disaster.

Honey. Fucking honey. Adrian and Deanna seemed to be the only ones who understood what had happened. I sat and couldn’t decide what to do. I saw Adrian distressed and I rose to help. And then I sat down again when I couldn’t decide what to do. I didn’t know if cleaning it in the pond was a good idea, but I went with it anyways.

Jesse was already down there, silhouetted by the light bouncing off the lake. It was so bright it was blown out. I looked on anyways. I watched as Adrian and Jesse cleaned the belongings and themselves. A ritual bath.

We went back for Deanna, Rich, Scott, and Argentina and met halfway. But we learned that they had left the honey and trash up there. That didn’t sit well with me. Experiences like these always connect me more to nature. I’m all too aware of dangers and trash. I couldn’t let this happen. So I took the ring from Bilbo once more and worked with Sam to find Mount Doom and get rid of this fucking trash. Déjà vu.

That started the lap. Adrian and I spent the whole walk to the dumpster in the parking lot picking up other people’s trash. Plastic out of place. At this point, I’m lost for words. My mouth can’t keep up with my thoughts. The ego death is truly settling in. The word “OVERWHELMING” flashes in my head. It keeps flashing in my head.

When I can’t talk, I think. Not all my thoughts are good. I was bumming myself out. In order to stop thinking, I started breathing. It kept me grounded. I don’t know if I took a single breath automatically.

When we did talk, we spoke of our predicament as young working individuals. Was this trip our break? Am I supposed to call in sick and just go skateboarding instead? I don’t see any break in sight. And then I’m thinking about work and I go blue. I breathe.

Back with the others. Pack up all your stuff. Back around the lake. I move slower and slower. Lost in existential thought, I think I roll my ankle. But what if this experience doesn’t make me aware I rolled my ankle? I want to fall asleep. Breath. Why do I always want to fall asleep when I don’t like something? How could I even fall asleep right now? What if I never see light again? Light is life. Darkness is the absence of light, but not of life. Don’t fall into the darkness. You didn’t bring a flashlight.

Jesse and I sit on the bank of the lake for one last look. The sky is going purple. I’m lost in thought. I’m lost in breathing. Jesse is lost in his notebook. The trees are shifting. Is there bioluminescence on these plants or is it glitter? Everything is trash. The trees are shifting and the lake is a mirror. The sun is setting. We decide to go.

Begin the existential play: Two men descend a mountain. As night begins to rise, the two work their way down the path, switchback, switchback. And then a bright light! “Is that a fucking star?” The twinkle. Was it getting bigger? Holy shit it’s coming right at us! I hope it’s coming at us. That is a fucking star.

We’re almost at the bottom. We are at the spot where the trail forks and we turned left, up the hill. Right were we ate peanut butter and honey sandwiches hours before. Down the path, to the right. Always right. The darkness, that pitch black abyss. I thought it would swallow me. If it all goes black, it’s all over. I’m not ready to accept death. I get lost in my mind. I have a good sense of direction but I feel lost. Jesse and I grab onto each other. It didn’t help yelling help. It made me more afraid. Back to the fork. Fuck that. The road is bubbling. Back into the abyss. What if I miss a step? I’m going to break an ankle. It has been foretold. Through the blackness. Oh yeah! There was a river!

The road! The road! We’re almost home.

I have to pee. So do I. And we did.

Across the street. I wanted to stay on the road. Jesse yells help at boy scouts. I freak out. I’m not going to interact with children! I’m crazy! They stop. They stare. It is still. I keep walking. They keep singing. What the hell is going on?

Ow. Ow. Ow. Fuck. Thorns. Ow. Keep going.

We asked for directions to 6. Wrong loop. I thought we would never find you guys. I thought deep down we were going to be in the wrong campground even though I knew we were in the right one. I thought it was over. I was lost.

I was amazed we had found you guys. For a while, I thought maybe my mind was tricking me. Maybe I was imagining all of this. Could this be part of the experience? I sat by the fire. I didn’t want to move. Life through fire. Calm at last.

And then the stars. And blants. And bed.

I wouldn’t say I had a bad trip. A majority of what is above suggests otherwise. I think each experience, both within a trip and without, has the ability to fluctuate. I definitely had fun at times: the visuals, the giggles, some of the thoughts. The world seemed that much more beautiful to me. I was taking each moment at a time. I was working on my breathing and trying to brighten myself up.

The fear is as valuable as the euphoria. Fear of death, fear of ego, fear of never coming back, fear of being lost, fear of darkness. Out of fear grew love. Love of life, love of self, love of experience, love of knowing it’s all good, love of light. The light especially. I loved the golden rays of the sun. Shafts forming as the sun fell from the sky. In retrospect, always bring a flashlight. Always. No matter what. Learn from mistakes.

I will say, a week after this whole experience, I can’t say much has changed. My week was stressful and I still got mad. I smoked far too much and I was really lazy. I have been making lists of things to do and trying to do all of them. Writing this debrief has been on the post-its since its inception. I think I can gradually get into it. Life is overwhelming and I need to just face the days and start getting my life in order. No more should do or will do. Just do.

There is more but not right now. This seems like a plausible end to this journey, this post. Other things will come up, come back and I’ll relay them. That’s it, that’s all, for now.