Opening Right Up

Depression is an inherently selfish venture. At its crux is the notion “I disserve to be happier”. That sort of self-involved ranking of your state of mind is grossly misled. To paraphrase Pete Holmes, its counting snowflakes in a snow globe. The snow globe of a depression-skewed mind is never going to count enough snowflakes, its twisted to read deficiency. Depression is heat sensitive to discovering flaws and shortcomings and decay. It’s a self-perpetuating flow of bullshit, which if it were to ever truly escape would wither. But it feels like you’re trapped. And you’re aware of how your thinking has become flawed but every argument you make in moments of despair is perfectly reasonable. But you are dying every minute. You can’t ever reclaim the happiness you had. Things aren’t going well and who knows if they’ll get better. What is the point?

For the last month or so this has kind of been my wheelhouse. I wake up some mornings and a very articulate “What is the point?” is waiting to greet me.

I know how self-involved and petty this is. There are so many important things happening to people and our species and the world and if I truly felt hopeless I should just throw myself at a cause and try and heal someone else. That would be the martyr thing to do, that would be noble. Unfortunately, I don’t think this disease works this way, it doesn’t inspire. And I’m finally starting to think of it as a disease. I see how its symptoms come and go. I think I’ve always had it, its always been in me, but there are times when it swells up to Akira size and seems to consume my life.

Diseases need treatment and I haven’t delved into the treatment phase yet. I know that I should but that isn’t enough when you feel like you’re drowning. Tackling depression is scary, it forces you to confront a lot about yourself that you don’t like. It’s a hard choice to make when the other option is just saying, “fuck it, I’m done”. It’s much easier to lie down and die. Taking about suicide Chris Gethard said, “If you really think you’re strong enough to turn off every instinct telling you to be alive and jump off a bridge you’re probably also strong enough to keep living and push through it”. If you can do one you can do the other and luckily I’m still thinking logically enough to say that pushing through it is the better choice. This is the best “why” I’ve come up with so far.

I’m writing this because I leave tomorrow morning to see my family for two weeks and I’m really scared to talk to them about this. Growing up I heard constantly, “the most important thing is that you’re happy”. I didn’t grow up with religion and I was ingrained with a distrust of systems and organized thinking. “Be happy” is the one doctrine they gave me. How can I tell them I’ve failed in the one aspect they asked me to succeed? In my worst moments I think it would be easier for them if I just vanished. I know that’s untrue but like I said it’s a flow of bullshit.

I’m writing this as practice because I have a feeling I wont be able to hide these feeling for two weeks. I need to deal with this now so I know how to say it later. I’m also writing this because I’ve realized how hard it is for people to understand and to hear. I feel like I’ve been screaming, “I’m depressed!” for the last two weeks but still I find close friends who don’t know.  It seems things like this can’t be insinuated; it must be spoken about bluntly. That being said, there is a chance none of this will make sense. Issues of the mind aren’t solid things that can be drafted, they come out in metaphors, they are talked around and are not to be held down. If nothing else, taking this time to write and post has helped me feel a little more in control, more manageable.

I’ll be gone for a while, I hope to be smiling when I come back and I hope you’re smiling while I’m gone.

Jesse