The Night of Two Firsts. On Second Thought, Three Firsts.

A date that was a Coffee Meets Bagel message away from not happening. She was too far I said. What was I thinking? Deanna set me right. Go out to Big Bear, go hiking, meet a new girl, meet a new place.

How could I say no?

I’m 24 years old, what am I waiting for?

I was looking forward to the 2.5 hour drive. Work had been very stressful and I was about to go to Argentina so this was a welcomed break in between two madnesses. One in the past and one in the future.

It was my moment.

Listen to some good music and to some podcasts. Enjoy the views.

Think about the girl that I’m about to meet. A girl who can speak in Spanish. A girl who is not afraid to speak on the phone. A girl that enjoys hiking and isn’t afraid of the animals that might linger around the woods or me. She had traveled the world alone so there isn’t much she is afraid of.

I was afraid of her. Well maybe just nervous. I ripped off the button to my shorts kind of nervous. Was I sweating too much kind of nervous.

I stopped to buy condoms (just in case) but couldn’t. I wasn’t getting laid. That was not the point. I want to meet someone I can talk to. One who understands my jokes even if she doesn’t laugh.

I kept driving. She was cute in the pictures, will she be the same in person?

Minutes seemed like hours. Waited and waited. Asked the marina ranger if this was the right place. He guessed yes.

Ohh I think that’s her driving. Nope, she left the parking lot. Ohh wait there might not be any spaces left and she is parking on the side of the road.

Yep.

Oh here she comes. She looks the same. Phew.

Can’t go for a handshake. I had been talking to this girl for weeks. Almost a month.

Open up arms to show that it’s a definite hug she is getting. Get the hug. Step one complete.

Ok, start chatting. The drive was good. How far away do you live?

Blah, blah blah, blah.

Soon enough we had walked two hours making our way around Big Bear lake. We talked about anything and everything. We spoke about the normal stuff: What are you into? Where do you work? What did you study?

And then we spoke about the weird stuff: Do you believe in paranormal stuff? I’ve had crazy nightmares. My house was haunted. I’ve killed myself in my dreams.

No judgment, just interest.

We kept on walking. We kept on talking.

We go to Starbucks for some coffee. This was a cool starbucks though, it had a fireplace outside.

More talking. When am I going to make a move? Should I make a move when we go hiking?

She just told me she is going to Europe for a couple of months and then studying acting somewhere afterward. What does she want to do in this date? What is she comfortable with? What am I comfortable with?

I had a lot of questions. I’m not used to these situations so I didn’t have answers.

We hiked. She sweats a lot. I don’t. I overheat. She smells. But not really, she was awesome.

She took me on her favorite hike to do at night. She showed me how to climb through a couple tough rocks. She told me she had been hit by a car and that it turned her life around.

She has traveled so much and wanted to do so much more. I listened to her stories with intrigue and amazement. In all the dates had I been on thus far, never has a girl been able to hold my attention like her. We connected on levels that I had never experienced before.

She understood me, she acknowledged me. I like to “test” people with my humor. I need to see how weird I can get before they start walking away. She didn’t walk away, she laughed and more importantly she added.

I told her about the fort party and she loved it. She already started making comments about meeting up more. Does she just want a friend?

We were now sitting at the top of a rock.

Oh man I’m having such a good time. The sun is coming down. It’s getting cold. Should I huddle up next to her? Does she want me to make a move?

We are getting close but I couldn’t tell what to do. There was more to the date so I could wait. But how long?

It was finally too cold and we had to come down.

She lead the way. She drove stick shift. She made fun of people that were from “down the mountain.”

Man, I’m sitting at this bar/brewery eating some avocado and I couldn’t be having a better time on a first date.

We connected over our views on religion. That was a relief.

We connected over our feelings on friends from home. I still like my friends from back home but there seems to be a gap in how much I like them and how much they like me. Or in a sense how much I value them and how much they value me. And I know this sounds harsh but it’s the truth and it’s tough to talk about.

I talked about it with her and we both agreed.

Ok, feeling a little buzz. I think she is cute and I like her mind. I need to get a kiss, but when?

Off to see the stars.

What rock to lay on? I’m not really sure. The moonlight guided us. We both searched for a perfect rock.

It wasn’t a perfect rock but I lied on it anyways because I was next to her so nothing else mattered. 

Man, I’m looking at the stars on a first date with a girl and there is not a thing that feels weird about it.

Holy shit, I just saw my first shooting star.

Ok, now I try to get eye contact but she keeps looking at the stars. I know they are beautiful and cool but so am I.

I can’t get the eye contact that I want so I also turn to the stars (even though there is one just to the side of me ;)

We laughed a lot. We learned a lot. It was time to head back to the Starbucks parking lot. I had to get in my car and head on out. But how could this be? I haven’t gotten my kiss yet. This is not right.

I put my stuff in my car. We stand awkwardly. I want a kiss, but does she?

Ok, we do a really nice tight hug. It lasts a noticeable while.

I don’t want this to end and neither does she. It’s a 2 hour drive back and it’s already past midnight so I have to go.

Let’s talk about coffee meets bagel and the whole dating experience. It’s not the best topic but it’s a topic. Clearly we were delaying the inevitable.

I see my spot. I find that perfect in. She had met a really crappy dude that asked “Well, can I get a kiss goodbye?” What an IDIOT!

I’m not creepy and I have spent the last 12 hours of my life with her. I (that “I” is capitalized not because of grammar concerns but because it’s accentuated) will ask for a kiss goodbye and get it.

Ok, in for another hug. Now is my shot, now is my shot!

“Not.. uhmm… to be…uhmm.. that guy…” (killing it)

“You are not that guy”

“Can I...uh?” 

“Yes”

Thank god she stepped in because the words were hitting speed bumps.

She didn’t let me finish my question, did she understand what I meant?

Oh fuck it’s going to happen, I’m going to go in for a kiss!!!

What should I do?! Ok pucker up lips, make them kissy like when I play that weird argentinian game.

OHH MY GOD MY LIPS ARE ON HER LIPS! (AM I DOING THIS RIGHT? DID I MISS THE SPOT?

Ok, pull away. Stand awkwardly. From her reaction it couldn’t have been that bad.

Say goodbye. Fuck, I won't see her for two months. That’s ok I got a kiss. Get into car.

Nervously check phone because I don’t know what else to do.

Jesses texted. He wants to know if I’m safe. Haha jokes on him, I just got a kiss. I need to speak to him. I need answers. Did I do everything right?

Call him.

Start driving.

Put high beams on.

It’s dark out. I’m talking to Jesse with phone in my hand and I can’t explain myself very well but the important details he gets. Yes, I got a kiss. But holy shit I’m freaking out, what should I do?

Alright there are lights behind me. What the fuck is that?

Look at rear view mirror. Oh no it’s the fucking cops. What have I done? I just had a crazy moment in my life, why are they pulling me over?

First time getting pulled over.  

More questions, less answers.

I forgot my high beams were on. I’m sorry, cop.

He lets me go with a warning. I keep on driving and talking to Jesse. It’s a long drive back but I’m not afraid.

Nope, this lucky guy just got a kiss and there are enough thoughts in the head to last a lifetime.

Poor girl doesn’t even know what she is getting into. But maybe she does and for the first time a girl feels somewhat comfortable with me. 

Dare I say it, I don’t feel like a monster no more. What more can I ask?

The Blog of the Less High

Preface:

Mushrooms and other psychedelics are interesting things to me. It’s something that I want to explore but I want to do it once I’m in the right headspace. This past year has been a rough road mentally and it all started with the bad experience with the chocolate edible a month or so before the Yosemite trip. I have been feeling a lot better as of late so I didn’t want to fuck anything up by doing something that’s a little bit out of my comfort zone. I know that taking risks can be a good thing but, for me, right now is not the time.

As an experienced “baby sitter,” I feel very comfortable having the higher ones lead the less high so my motto is usually to hand off responsibility. I don’t care where we go, I’m not going to keep track of where I am, I am going to try and give less of a shit than I have ever given before. That’s why I’m so bad with directions because when I’m in the passenger seat of a car, the last thing I’m worried about is remembering how to get to where I’m going.

The High:

It was a little bit tough finding the right place to do the deed. To me, it has to be comfortable and safe. We had found safe but comfort was tough. With Rich’s help, we finally found a spot and began to smoke. The thing about “grass filled tubes,” as I like to call them, they get me very high, very quickly and that can sometimes be tough for me to handle. Getting very high can set off a tangent of panic that is quite overwhelming (kind of like the cholocalate edible) so to offset this problem, I have to focus on other things. I have to move, I have to talk, and I have to laugh. I have no idea what Rich and I started talking about but I soon found myself needing to move. I also saw you guys laughing a bit and needed to know what was up. Depth became an issue very quickly. I don’t know if it was the glasses or the grasses but I was a bit long on every step that I took. I would think the next step was one foot downhill when it would turn out to be only six inches away. I saw a branch out of the corner of my eye that was perfect for me to hold on to. I reach and…I miss (picture cat swatting at a fly).

With definite certainty I could say that the grass was the problem.

Things were good for a couple of minutes.

Then the negative thoughts came up. What if I am high forever? Will I come down? Why can’t I remember things? Will I be able to remember them later? What if I forget who I am? 

These thoughts lurked around for a couple of minutes before I told myself that it’s ok. I’ve been through this before. I know my mind’s stupid tricks and I’m going to get over this. By the time we made it back on the path, I was also back on track.

Quick aside: My therapist has questioned me on why I like to get high since I get panicky and I told him that it’s an interesting dynamic. If I think too much about my high and how I’m forgetting things, then I freak myself out. But when I just let all of that go, I’m finally in tune with the moment (although probably a couple of seconds behind). I forget about my job, I forget about all of the responsibilities, I forget about all that has been stressing me out and I’m finally just there. And that’s why I like it. Things are funny, things are beautiful, I have great friends and I’m finally able to enjoy it without any outside pressures distorting the moment.

The whole honey situation was a bit of a buzzkill for me because it reminded me of all these other responsibilities that I didn’t want to be a part of. I was drawing, I was laughing, I was enjoying my time. SUDDENLY I was tasked with a job that I didn’t want to be a part of. It was sticky, it was gross, it was time consuming, and I had to follow a certain procedure. I hated it.

We finally cleaned up and it was time to head down to the lake. The lake was amazing! After a stressful time cleaning up the honey, it was time to relax by the lake.

Sit and stare.

I looked at the light, I looked at the trees, I looked at those around me and everything felt right.

I usually don’t take pictures because I never feel it’s good enough. The moment that I try to capture has passed me by. Just like with drawing, just like with playing music, just like with saying “I love you.” I want it to be perfect and it never is. I get down on myself because I think that other people have a much easier time finding those moments but for me they are really tough. That’s something that I need to work on. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it never will be but this is my best shot and this is me.

I think that’s why I’m good with math, because there is an answer. There is only one right answer. I get a lot of “a-ha!” moments that are hard for me to get when I’m doing something more artistic and I think that’s what frustrates me. Fucking tell me what’s right and I’ll do it, but tell me there are 1 millions right answers but only one that’s right for me and I’m lost.

I have now begun the rest of this blog high. That’s why the pictures. Those were both aha moments that I rarely get.

Editing this feels so right. Kind of like the perfect smore that I made for myself that night camping. Listening to Animal Collective in the room that I just cleaned up I feel calm. That’s how I feel when I go camping. Calmness, rightness. A pause in a life that sometimes feels like I’m fastwording and can only see the spaces.

Overall, just a great experience. I’m high and don’t remember where I was going.

The End:

Another late night.

Groovin' with my little baby chicken encodes baking in the kettle -- alright alright alright.

Yeah... Funk on, fellas.

What brings you to Mesquite?

The comfort that comes with knowing your next step keeps us planning, trying to smooth the roads of our lives with the pavement of foresight. But these plans are based on a dimension called 'future' that may or may not actually exist, and if it does then even the most gifted seers only catch a foggy fleeting glimpse of it. Too many people I know think they're incapable of doing anything but staying on these roads, forgetting that the universe doesn't give a shit about roads.

As I sit in front of the Stateline Casino in Mesquite, Nevada, I find myself wondering at the forces that push us along our actual path (not the mind-road).   Nothing is really random, because everything is technically random so the word doesn't really mean anything. What happens happens. You can try to shape the happening to fit what you think you want to happen, but ultimately this is futile. Sure you can influence it. That's what makes human life an extraordinary power in the universe. But sometimes you just have to surrender to the happenings, which for the most part are well beyond your control, and live your life on the crashing crest of the wave. What people forget is that joy can come from that too. My entire existence sprang from an unplanned happening; the universe decided I would exist.

Why is it this way? Why do new things happen? If human consciousness can shape them on some low level, is there a higher consciousness that shapes things on a higher level, and even more levels of consciousness that can shape them on higher levels until they all succumb to the ultimate power of the natural forces of the universe? Am I making too much a broken timing belt? And why the FUCK doesn't this app have an undo option??

Anyways, I hope you all have a new experience today. I'm off to put my life back in order.

A poem for a Thursday Morn

Come to work
Make my meal
Blueberries
And oatmeal
Oven's a-goin'
Gotta pee
Go to pee
There's a poop in the toilet.

Myshroom

What did this experience mean to me? That's always my big question. When it come to guaranteed experiences, the thing you ask yourself is: How will this affect me? How will I change from these events? I loved reading everyone's reports back so I'll start with my experiences and then move on to how I want to or will try to use them.

The first game we played was Find the Spot. When finding a spot the criteria are: secluded, quiet, comfortable and magical. I wanted to find a spot with a lot of magic, one of those places in the woods that looks like you designed it for yourself to find. Its funny to think I was holding the forest to such a high standard. I believe in the ceremony of it, the consecration of our sandwiches and doing them in a place that demands respect. When we found the tree on the hill I wasn't into it. It was secluded but not comfortable nor magical. I felt the need to move on. Scott hipped me to my mistake. I wasn't looking at it from the right perspective. Should I be waiting for the forest to show me magic, no that isn't why we had traveled all this way. We should be discovering it everywhere. I looked out from the next to the tree and I saw forest for miles. There was some magic, I just wasn't open enough to see it.

Stomachs full, we shoved off to find the lake. Many twists along the road, passing over a small creek and a few manmade water canals and we find the lake. A family is seated right at the shore so our group makes our way to the other side. The lake is that crystal clear mountain water you always imaged would be up there. We find a path down to the shore opposite the entrance and things begin. We skip rocks and make jokes as the sandwiches begin to make their presents known.

The mountain is colder than imagined and the open space over the lake invited a steady breeze that beckons a change. We move up the hill to warmer territory. Among decaying trees and large comfortable rocks, our group spreads out on the ground. Truly in the swing on nature, the drawing begins and the laughing. A number of times I saw Deanna's words be thwarted by hordes of smiles. The foreign swarm was too much and language bowed down to laughter. The infectious nature of surrender invaded me as well and I intern became hysterical.

The art continued and the watching. Looking at the world in it glory and augmenting it. I began to draw the veins on Adrian's hand and then adding color to the rock. I combined stick and paper in a dramatic piece that exposed to futility of industry and the duality of nature. Then the crisis occurred. Now, I'd like to point out this is from my point of view as I am me and in the matter especially. I did not see this as crisis. There was no emergency in my world. In fact, I felt our experience lacked structure and randomness. Lounging in a shady spot to draw is no adventure, its us in the living room any given day. I craved initiative and this crisis gave it to me. To the lake!

Once down the hill, I approached a tree line adjacent to the shore. The day was late and the sun sent golden daggers through it's tall, glorious children. I paused to admire the sight but then thought differently. Why am I pausing? What is different about this image than any other? Is the world not magic if you're open to seeing it? I didn't want to separate myself, stand back and observe beauty. I wanted to acknowledge that I am a part of it. Nowadays every sunset is met with a million lenses. Mankind has an infinite stockpile sunset images should we ever have to without for a period. Why? Move through beauty and acknowledge that it is swirling around you every unthoughtful, meaningless moment of your life. More importantly, acknowledge that you're part of that beautiful nature as well, some great being may be loading their cosmic camera to get a glimpse of you. Move Through beauty, breathe it in everywhere you go.

Finally, a chance to get in the water! I rushed to take my shoes off and roll up my surprising tight jeans. (Side Note #1: A strange thought popped up, I wanted people to approach the lake and see me in it. Maybe I thought it would enhance their experience to come upon the lake with new context, maybe I wanted to look cool. That added awareness can really cloud your judgment. I have to remember sometimes, I want to go in the lake because I want to, fuck everything else.)

Once I was in the water, it all happened. The bottom exploding in slow-motion my feet dragged up soft sand, the shirt swirling and dancing in the heavy, cold water, the sunlight twinkling through dropplets as I ringed out saturated shirt, bright green trees smiling fondly, the warm sun touching my face. It was all I had hoped for, completely revitalizing.

Adrian joined me and began washing his backpack, his anxiousness was now more apparent to me. The clothing was laid out and naturally we were joined by the rest of the group. Deanna and I were looking at a patch of green grass. I recall thinking: our eyes are slaves to a nervous brain that is constantly scanning for danger, we never let them look at what they want to look at. Not 100% sure I understand that thought but I'm working on it. Thoughts?

That thought, although not digested, did spark my next chapter: Art and the Act of Seeing. I consider this the most pretentious and practical part of my adventure. Some how I had come into possession of both binoculars and a phone. This combination was endlessly entertaining. I began thinking about how sterile movies are and how they lack innovation. To hell with square frames, why not play out action in small vignetted bubbles. I began to formulate a plan. I would make a super artsy movie, the combination of iPhone video through binocs and timelapses to be shot that night. I was scheming, I was manic, I was really into movies. During my genius period a bunch of decisions about leaving and moving on where happening, what was I to care?! I had ART! And honestly, I don't think I had felt that much excitement for make images in a long time. That excitement has stayed with me and I hope continues to do so. Making stuff is fun! As Nietzsche say, "Creating: that is the great redemption from suffering". Practical and pretentious, I can handle that sort of duality.

My creation episode waned and I found myself by the lake with Josh and Rich. Now that I was back to looking, I saw pure magic. I saw the lake as a giant water dropplet and the trees and people on it as temporary moss. The expansive space between me and the opposite shore became malleable. I could convince myself the trees were just feet in front of me and feel that space move in my skin. The sky was darkening and I saw the lake grow a great black spot in its reflection. This must be the refection of space, growing gracefully, content that in time it will swallow all.

Feeling this flexibility in vision and understanding, deep questions of consciousness burped out of me. Where does our consciousness live? When we take in the world with vision, at what part of the process does our consciousness begin? Are we the screen the information is hitting; the lens of our eye projecting that image; or are we the projection. Are we the universe observing itself, the great everything deciding on a place and time from which to see? Why does it all see so manipulatable?

Rich went to catch up with everyone, josh and I stayed. It got a little darker and we saw glowing spots in the water. We couldn't decide if it was trash or bioluminescence. Could it be both? It was around then that we noticed something: it was real dark.

The Existential Play.

Its going to be hard to tell this part of the trip. Partial because it takes place in soul swallowing blackness but also because the feelings I felt at the time were so pure and unique, I have no experience writing about them. I don't have trouble saying "I was scared" or "I thought I might die" but to have you understand the feeling behind that is a stretch. I had never experienced darkness like that. I had never lit paper aflame only to see that light couldn't even reach the hand holing it. I had never walked and not known if I was going uphill or down hill or if the next step would be off a cliff edge. I had never held onto a voice in the abyss.

Don't panic and don't stop moving. That was my montra. Josh and I talked the whole way, I think it kept us sane. We saw an unreal star begin to shine as the last blue faded. It didn't seem real. We walked and walked. We kept a good pace at first but as objects in front of us slipped off into nothing we had to slow. Soon we found ourselves stopped completely. I remember turning around and then turning around again. I had no idea which was we had been walking. I spoke out to Josh and his voice seemed more distant than expected and we realized we had lost each other for a moment. We quickly found each other and two important decisions were made. Holding onto each other is only way to stay together and we are lost. Admitting it was a tough barrier to break through.

Linked up, we walked. I wont bore you with every detail. There was the sound of water to our right, a landmark. A fork in the road, another landmark. All such important pieces to fix together. In that thick black night, we found ourselves navigating through memories. The better we visualized our walk up the hill, the better we could see down. We continued to talk throughout. We wondered if Rich had made it to the group, if they were worried about us. We talked about how our existential play was going, how dramatic the sunset is. We imagined young cavemen out too late after a hunt, lost just like us.

If we stopped for a moment we would loose our heading. The only way we kept in one direction was using the stars. If we kept track of the big star we could see if we were going in circles. The big star kept changing directions. First it was ahead of us, then behind and then ahead again. Switchback! What a great word? Some words just feel better, they feel like home or civilization. Switchback, it just feels so good to say. We were on a switchback, head down the mountain.

Fork in the road and we turned right. A short time after that turn and we had stopped. I don't know which of us stopped first, at this point I couldn't tell which voice was talking. We stopped because we were about to enter true darkness. Before this we had the stars. The stars didn't give us much but we could see when the trees were blocking them and when they weren't. That plus the feeling under our feet and we could kind of make out a trail. The path we were on was about to take us into a valley without stars. The only thing in front of us was the sound of rushing water. Its death. Maybe a cliff, a waterfall or a big river looking to sweep us away. (Side Note #2: I know someone who died hiking at night. He was alone, in the woods and he walked off a cliff. He was a tech at The Camera House, he taught me how to clean tripods.) We turn back. There's no way to know if we are moving uphill or downhill but we go in the other direction.

Sometime around then, I started to call out. I yelled "hello" and "anyone out there" and then eventually "help". I though, perhaps there is a group, maybe our group, on the path right below us or around the bend and they'll hear me. It couldn't hurt at least. To be honest though, it didn't make me feel any better. It reminded me of being a little kid and yelling for you parent but they're asleep in the other room. Just made me feel more alone.

We hit the fork in the road again. This feels wrong. We can't not go in the direction we believe to be the way home because we're scared. We had to face death. I held onto Josh tight and as much as I could acknowledged that I could die very soon. I wouldn't say I was ready but as prepared as I could be. We walked into total blackness. Our dotted canopy vanished along with our big star. Blackness seemed to close in and constrict over us. My foot slips over a stone and we slow our pace to a crawl. The ground is very different suddenly. And then, splashing. I see a swirling glint in the ground. It's water, moving water. The creek. We had forgotten about the creek! This was the landmark we needed! We walked through the water slowly, hoping it wouldn't get any deeper.

On the other side, I think we felt embolden. It meant we hadn't been walking in circle for hours, we had made progress. We had made it all this way, we could make it further. Then in the darkness a car passes. Tiny headlight illuminate a road and then quickly its black again. We debate moving straight to the road but ultimately stay on path. I don't know how long it was from then but soon a fire. A fire and the road in front of it. I want to approach them and borrow a flashlight but Josh wont have it. We make our way further, more fires. The campsite. As a final act of douchery the forest puts pricker bushed in between us and the campsites. We push through and start asking around about campsite numbers. I use my car keys to flash my lights. Overwhelmed with doubt for the last hours, we have trouble believing we've found it but my car lights flash and we see the camp fire. The relief of seeing everyone safe is hard to describe. The round of hugs around the fire say enough.

Food, star and cuddling. That's where the trip ended. What I'll be taking away from this experience? A lot of memories for sure. I still feel invigorated to make art. I still remember the feeling of being lost in that darkness. Knowing that feeling elevates all other. And I definitely feel like this post is too long but too late for that. Oh well. Guaranteed experience.


TL;DR Water good. Night dark.

"That's the thing about epiphanies, they seem so very obvious after you realize them"

this is copy-pasted from an AMA on reddit from someone who'd gone through MDMA therapy for PTSD. Kinda buried in the comments, someone asked what kind of epiphanies she had, and she just exploded with this. 

(Duncan Trussell also had a really interesting podcast with the guy running the study: duncantrussell.com/rick-doblin-from-maps/)

~~~~

As you said, it is very personal. Not that I don't want to share, but I'm afraid I won't be able to convey the importance of my epiphanies. That's the thing about epiphanies, they seem so very obvious after you realize them. So, I will share a bit, but understand that these are some of the biggest realizations I've ever made in my life, no matter how inconsequential they may seem.

I never wanted to have children. I knew how hard it was being a kid and I didn't want to purposefully impose childhood on anyone else, especially one I knew I would love completely. And children were a burden to their parents, one and all, no matter how much they were loved. It was just a fact. I didn't want to create a burden.

I met my husband and fell in love, despite what I thought was my better judgement. I couldn't help it. He was a bright and shiny person. Even tho we were so very different from each other when we met, it didn't matter. Nothing mattered but him, and it was obvious he felt the same way.

But he gave himself to me effortlessly and completely. I was always waiting for the end, because I thought that's what always happened. Guys did not stick around.

So I made the most of our time together but always expected him to not be there some day. Then, after years of consideration he decided to take MDMA with me. That night became known to us as our wedding night. That experience gently pried open my wounded heart and let David in. I realized, "Holy shit, this guy really does love me. And that kind of love is real?! Whaaaat?!!"

Trying to be brief here... At one point we were lying on the floor together. Listening to music and I turned my head to face him and a material flowed from my head and face to his. The material seemed to be just a little bit out of this realm of reality. Just outside our normal perception. It reminded me of the way water took form in that movie The Abyss when it was trying to communicate. But this stuff was warm and humming. And it connected David and I. I finally saw past all the fear I had and accepted him. At one point he said, "Give yourself to me, we deserve each other." I had no idea he even understood I was keeping myself from him.

We had always been inseparable, but now, we were bound in such a way that death wouldn't even be able to separate us fully.
But I digress.....

Even after bonding that night, it would take years for David to convince me to start a family. I would say, "Things happen, David. You don't know the future." And he would always reply, "I'm not going anywhere." We repeated this conversation over and over through the years. Him always trying to reassure me, almost out of habit. Like we knew this was an open wound I had that may never heal. As my partner he promised to put salve on it any time I asked, ever. And he did. Until one day I pressed the conversation a bit further and said, "you may die, ya know. Then what?" And his reply was,"Well, there's nothing I can do about that."

I was beginning to believe him, that it was worth it to have a child. We began trying to get pregnant.
Five years went by and finally the doctors said we couldn't conceive. About 6 months later I was pregnant. Surprise. Shock, actually.

We were elated and really needing to shift gears in our life to accommodate this great news. And we did. And we were all so happy and in love with each other.
Then he fucking did it, he died. He left.

After a decade of him promising and promising, I fucking fell for it. I fell for the great lie that all single parents fall for. And now not only me but my beautiful daughter will suffer eternally for it. I was livid. At myself for BELIEVING him.

He tricked me!

That's how I felt.

One of my epiphanies addressed this feeling.

When you suffer from PTSD, you really feel unsure of everything, especially yourself. I was nothing. I didn't even understand how my heart was still beating. I couldn't do simple math anymore. I was a waste of space, I felt.

MDMA took me back to my childhood and showed me how far I went to be happy. Always, no matter what the circumstance, I figured out a way to ascend. I could trust myself. I did know what was best.

I had forgotten this because I felt my intuition was faulty because I denied it (not wanting to have a baby) and "fell" for David's line of "I'm not going anywhere".
David WAS telling the truth. As far as he had control, he would not leave.
But at the scene of the accident, when I knew he was dying, I remembered something I read in the Tibetan Book of the Dead that said when someone is dying you shouldn't beg them to stay but put them at ease about the transition, instead. So I quit begging him to wake up and told him "Stay if you can, but if you can't, It's okay. Don't be afraid."
The feeling of him dying really shifted into a different stage at that moment. I felt him begin to really go. Before it was a halting erosion of him, after I said that to him, it was more of a steady flow of him leaving.

I felt like he did make a choice at that point.

Boy, I asked a lot of that man. "Hey, don't die! It'll hurt my feelings!"

Anyway. It occurred to me that I am intelligent and capable. At one point my counselor said do you really think anyone could convince YOU of anything? MDMA took my hand and showed me how powerful I was. How I did utilized my intuition and intelligence all my life and overcame A LOT. I wondered how I was even sitting on the couch in Boulder? Because I was so fucking resourceful! I was an incredibly capable person with a tremendous drive.

I know it sounds like I'm boasting here, but I needed to know this about myself. I was only ever okay because I was all of these things. I knew plenty of people who had the life I did who were not in good shape at all. I was. I am. And I will be, so will my daughter.

David didn't trick me. David allowed me to think it was him who "made" me acquiesce to have a baby. Turns out, I wanted a baby just as much as he. I wanted to spread all the love David and I had and make more of it with our daughter. ME.

He was kind enough to allow me to pull whatever tricks on MYSELF in order to be happy. Need me to reassure you forever about how I'm never leaving? Gladly. Need me to allow you to blame me for getting us into this whole baby thing? Gladly, my dear. I am strong in ways you are not and vise versa.

He was amazing. We were amazing. MDMA let me see that EVERYTHING that man did was out of pure love. And I am WAY too smart for my own good.

After realizing my daughter wasn't a "burden" David duped me into. She and I finally were able to meld into each other like we had before the accident. I missed her so much. And she missed me. 

-hevasmyboyfriend