Sunday, September 24, 2017
Thursday, September 21, 2017
Response to Jesses Blog
Funny timing, the other night I checked the blog for the first time in months and there were no new posts. Checked again tonight because everything else out on the internet is so fast-paced and frantic and just carries an inherent stress, so this is the perfect introspective thing I wanted to read. Scott, adrian, and I also just spent the night recounting college stories.
I feel where you're coming from. One of the things we talked about was how much we used to laugh, how many just out-of-control overwhelming laughs we had. We used to just get sooo high, it was like a fucking space mission, we literally deemed it a different universe. Looking back there definitely is something garden-of-eden-ish about it. And we definitely all had winters.
But looking at it now, I don't feel so detached from my former self like you describe. Life is more rigid for sure. I haven't been able to get high or even really stay up late since I got my concussion in July, so that's an even bigger reason my life's been not as 'magical' lately. But I also feel more comfortable with myself, and stronger and independent as a person, than I did back in the day. The trifecta of working out, learning how to camp, and dealing with my dads death made me feel like I can deal with a lot of things life might throw at me. (I don't wanna say all or most because who the fuck knows what horrible shit could happen, but I'll say a lot.) So I've grown up, and maybe the rigid, structured nature of how my life is set up right now makes me feel less like I'm floating through a hilarious psychedelic dream than I used to be. But for the moment I'm ok with it.
I've always been interested with the arc of how you change as you get older. And wondered if you ever get stale. Like I look at my favorite artists over time- the Beatles soared through their early twenties, then in the mid-twenties got into their druggy crazy shit, but from then on got kinda boring. And in my mind that was when they "grew up." Like Abbey Road is still great, and the craftsmanship is brilliant, but they weren't capable of reinventing the wheel anymore, or just being on the cutting edge anymore. In my mind the early/mid-twenties Beatles have something in common with our college selves, this aspect of still-figuring-things-out, which makes everything they do a bit more exciting, because it's on the edge of chaos or something. Where as now I'm just repeating the same things over and over. Same job everyday, same house at night, same kind of jokes all the time. Am I stale? Am I boring? If I am at all I think it's mainly because that time is being funneled into a job to pay for a life.
So to get back on track, it makes sense to wonder if who you are now will feel the same let's say 20 years down the road. Like, in our teens we looked back a year and felt different. Has that slowed down at all? I was gonna say it has, but I don't know, I feel like I can still go two years back and say I was different. But is now-me less different from 2-years-ago-me than 4-years-ago-me to 2-years-ago-me? I don't think so, I think I've changed more in the last two years. So the question is, if I changed and now feel like I have shit figured out, does that make me less likely to change in the future? Maybe, but I don't have everything figured out, just more of it....
To wrap this up. Before reminiscing about college, I was at work late and literally had life conversations like this with two other people, so again this timing is weird. But anyways, this woman I work with told me how basically she was married for 24 years before her marriage fell apart in 2015, which forced her to move back here from New Zealand. And she said for a while she brooded over it and cried everyday. But since she started working with us she's been feeling like she's living up to her potential better, working with people she likes for a good cause, and then she was like, "I know this sounds crazy, but looking back at it now, I'm grateful that it happened, because it's given me a second go at life that I didn't expect to have." So, case in point, if things feel stale, and like the magic has gone out, it's not impossible to change that. This isn't totally on the mark of what you're saying, because it's true you can never go back. But you can make forward just as interesting and exciting. I think?
I feel where you're coming from. One of the things we talked about was how much we used to laugh, how many just out-of-control overwhelming laughs we had. We used to just get sooo high, it was like a fucking space mission, we literally deemed it a different universe. Looking back there definitely is something garden-of-eden-ish about it. And we definitely all had winters.
But looking at it now, I don't feel so detached from my former self like you describe. Life is more rigid for sure. I haven't been able to get high or even really stay up late since I got my concussion in July, so that's an even bigger reason my life's been not as 'magical' lately. But I also feel more comfortable with myself, and stronger and independent as a person, than I did back in the day. The trifecta of working out, learning how to camp, and dealing with my dads death made me feel like I can deal with a lot of things life might throw at me. (I don't wanna say all or most because who the fuck knows what horrible shit could happen, but I'll say a lot.) So I've grown up, and maybe the rigid, structured nature of how my life is set up right now makes me feel less like I'm floating through a hilarious psychedelic dream than I used to be. But for the moment I'm ok with it.
I've always been interested with the arc of how you change as you get older. And wondered if you ever get stale. Like I look at my favorite artists over time- the Beatles soared through their early twenties, then in the mid-twenties got into their druggy crazy shit, but from then on got kinda boring. And in my mind that was when they "grew up." Like Abbey Road is still great, and the craftsmanship is brilliant, but they weren't capable of reinventing the wheel anymore, or just being on the cutting edge anymore. In my mind the early/mid-twenties Beatles have something in common with our college selves, this aspect of still-figuring-things-out, which makes everything they do a bit more exciting, because it's on the edge of chaos or something. Where as now I'm just repeating the same things over and over. Same job everyday, same house at night, same kind of jokes all the time. Am I stale? Am I boring? If I am at all I think it's mainly because that time is being funneled into a job to pay for a life.
So to get back on track, it makes sense to wonder if who you are now will feel the same let's say 20 years down the road. Like, in our teens we looked back a year and felt different. Has that slowed down at all? I was gonna say it has, but I don't know, I feel like I can still go two years back and say I was different. But is now-me less different from 2-years-ago-me than 4-years-ago-me to 2-years-ago-me? I don't think so, I think I've changed more in the last two years. So the question is, if I changed and now feel like I have shit figured out, does that make me less likely to change in the future? Maybe, but I don't have everything figured out, just more of it....
To wrap this up. Before reminiscing about college, I was at work late and literally had life conversations like this with two other people, so again this timing is weird. But anyways, this woman I work with told me how basically she was married for 24 years before her marriage fell apart in 2015, which forced her to move back here from New Zealand. And she said for a while she brooded over it and cried everyday. But since she started working with us she's been feeling like she's living up to her potential better, working with people she likes for a good cause, and then she was like, "I know this sounds crazy, but looking back at it now, I'm grateful that it happened, because it's given me a second go at life that I didn't expect to have." So, case in point, if things feel stale, and like the magic has gone out, it's not impossible to change that. This isn't totally on the mark of what you're saying, because it's true you can never go back. But you can make forward just as interesting and exciting. I think?
Looking Back
Voices from the past. Moans of pain, contemplation and endless laughter. The over-use of the word "gay":
I read the blog last night.
It had been some time since I paid it a visit. Each time I would read a couple entries, laugh a little at how silly we were and lament the fact that the years of 100+ posts were gone.
This time I felt different. This time, my heart wrenched as I scrolled through the years, past dick jokes and long drawn out sentences meant to confuse for simple friendly delight. My heart wrenched because it felt no equal here. This blog is no longer a mirror, it's a photograph. And the people in it almost unrecognizable. The authors of theses stories are ripe fruit hanging over a lifetime. Swaying joyfully, soaking in the sun with there brothers.
That fruit fell and the harsh sun above drank it's juices and the ground below ate it's soft skins. A winter fell over the bodies and covered the remains with a blanket cold and real.
And when the rains dragged away the brush and the warm wind returned, what emerged was a sapling. Still young, looking up to the same heights it once swung only now with morbid trepidation. With the deep earthly knowledge that this will be my final form. From here till forever some version of this brain, these beliefs and this heart, ever growing heavy, will be life.
I cannot long for my former self, I think I've grown too old for such cheap tricks. And I do not envy the pain I felt five years ago. But with outstretched arms towards the constant Eastern winds of time I feel the all too sober conclusion, that one me has long past and before this life is through so shall another.
I read the blog last night.
It had been some time since I paid it a visit. Each time I would read a couple entries, laugh a little at how silly we were and lament the fact that the years of 100+ posts were gone.
This time I felt different. This time, my heart wrenched as I scrolled through the years, past dick jokes and long drawn out sentences meant to confuse for simple friendly delight. My heart wrenched because it felt no equal here. This blog is no longer a mirror, it's a photograph. And the people in it almost unrecognizable. The authors of theses stories are ripe fruit hanging over a lifetime. Swaying joyfully, soaking in the sun with there brothers.
That fruit fell and the harsh sun above drank it's juices and the ground below ate it's soft skins. A winter fell over the bodies and covered the remains with a blanket cold and real.
And when the rains dragged away the brush and the warm wind returned, what emerged was a sapling. Still young, looking up to the same heights it once swung only now with morbid trepidation. With the deep earthly knowledge that this will be my final form. From here till forever some version of this brain, these beliefs and this heart, ever growing heavy, will be life.
I cannot long for my former self, I think I've grown too old for such cheap tricks. And I do not envy the pain I felt five years ago. But with outstretched arms towards the constant Eastern winds of time I feel the all too sober conclusion, that one me has long past and before this life is through so shall another.
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