So Emilie and I broke up.
Well, in all honesty, Emilie broke up with me. And as I
reflect on it, I totally deserved it.
We started our relationship way too fast and way too strong.
I have a tendency to get excited about things and become very intense. In fact,
this is what turned her off to me and ended our relationship. I was too
attached to her and the idea that I had finally found someone who could fill
that void inside me in order for me to become my best self.
Towards the beginning of our relationship, I remember
thinking to myself that I was going to ruin this for myself, and I did. I put
too much pressure on her and tried to force her into basically living a lie to
herself. I was so thrown off by how quickly she had fallen out of love with me
that I clung on to whatever I could. In all honesty, she should have broken up
with me two weeks prior, but I convinced her to try and keep us together. All
of this for selfish reasons. This is not how you treat someone you love. And I
do truly love her, she is wonderful and I just can’t shake these feelings. It’s
going to be a long healing process, but I’m trying to persevere.
I’m surprisingly not as broken as I thought I would be about
this. Obviously, it’s hard not to talk to her and see her at all, but what I
did to her wasn’t fair. I blamed her for things that were all my own personal
choices. I was too intense about spending time with her and it drove us further
and further apart. I just have to accept this and move forward and try and work
on the things that really drove her from me.
Part of me hopes that one day I can rekindle something with
her. I’m currently giving her the space and time she needs to recover and we
have talked about how we’ll be friends after we heal. As I continue to reflect,
I just know I want her in my life in any capacity. She didn’t deserve what I
did to her, she deserves the universe. I’ve never felt so selfish in my life.
She showed me that I do deserve love, and I pressured her into being someone
she didn’t want to be.
Right now, all I can do is focus on myself and making myself
into the man I want to be. I need to figure out how to channel all of this raw
energy inside of me into positivity and working energy. I’ve been getting
better at dealing with my anxiety and depression. I’ve been so-so sober for the
last month, having broken it only 5 times, including this past weekend when we
broke up. But I like the way I feel when I’m sober. No coffee, no weed, no
cigs, no alcohol. And I’ve been vegetarian for the past month or so, due to
her, and I don’t plan on stopping that either. I want to be a healthy person,
physically and mentally. I want to build the self-confidence and self-love I
know I deserve. I want to start pursuing the things I want to, like starting a
music blog, jumping into Improv and Stand Up, learning how to play and write
music.
I want to live more presently. My planning out of events and
being so intense about going to them turned her off to me completely. I want to
become easy going. I’m working on building a daily routine to channel my
energies and take every day one at a time. Obviously, I’m still going to buy
concert tickets and try and plan certain things, but the pressure I put on her
to do these things with me ultimately drove her away from me. I want to ground
and center myself. I want to be less attached to everything.
I need to learn how to accept “No” for an answer. The main
thing she criticizes me on is that I know what I want and I can be insistent
and forceful at times to get her to do what I want. And as I look back, it’s
true. I never meant it as disrespectful, I only wanted to shower her with love,
appreciation, and experiences, but it turned sour and ruined everything. All I
wanted to do was make her happy because she made me happy. But I guess in turn
it was a selfish desire to keep her in my life that made me do these things for
her. And not being able to accept her saying “No” is what ended up crumbling
us. I wouldn’t listen to her saying “No” to our relationship. I couldn’t take
the “No” of loss of sexual attraction. I couldn’t take her “No” to going to
certain experiences we had planned out. And because of that, I’ve lost a woman
in my life that has meant so much to me in such a short amount of time.
I need to take what I’ve just written and encompass it. I
need to learn from it. It’s definitely something that’s been hindering me for
ages. I get way too excited. I get way too intense. I guess I’m not as good of
a listener as I thought I was. I need to accept “No” for an answer. I need to
not be selfish and try to fix everything just so it benefits me.
This short-lived relationship has taught me a lot about
myself and it hurts to know I could have done better.
