The Night of Two Firsts. On Second Thought, Three Firsts.

A date that was a Coffee Meets Bagel message away from not happening. She was too far I said. What was I thinking? Deanna set me right. Go out to Big Bear, go hiking, meet a new girl, meet a new place.

How could I say no?

I’m 24 years old, what am I waiting for?

I was looking forward to the 2.5 hour drive. Work had been very stressful and I was about to go to Argentina so this was a welcomed break in between two madnesses. One in the past and one in the future.

It was my moment.

Listen to some good music and to some podcasts. Enjoy the views.

Think about the girl that I’m about to meet. A girl who can speak in Spanish. A girl who is not afraid to speak on the phone. A girl that enjoys hiking and isn’t afraid of the animals that might linger around the woods or me. She had traveled the world alone so there isn’t much she is afraid of.

I was afraid of her. Well maybe just nervous. I ripped off the button to my shorts kind of nervous. Was I sweating too much kind of nervous.

I stopped to buy condoms (just in case) but couldn’t. I wasn’t getting laid. That was not the point. I want to meet someone I can talk to. One who understands my jokes even if she doesn’t laugh.

I kept driving. She was cute in the pictures, will she be the same in person?

Minutes seemed like hours. Waited and waited. Asked the marina ranger if this was the right place. He guessed yes.

Ohh I think that’s her driving. Nope, she left the parking lot. Ohh wait there might not be any spaces left and she is parking on the side of the road.

Yep.

Oh here she comes. She looks the same. Phew.

Can’t go for a handshake. I had been talking to this girl for weeks. Almost a month.

Open up arms to show that it’s a definite hug she is getting. Get the hug. Step one complete.

Ok, start chatting. The drive was good. How far away do you live?

Blah, blah blah, blah.

Soon enough we had walked two hours making our way around Big Bear lake. We talked about anything and everything. We spoke about the normal stuff: What are you into? Where do you work? What did you study?

And then we spoke about the weird stuff: Do you believe in paranormal stuff? I’ve had crazy nightmares. My house was haunted. I’ve killed myself in my dreams.

No judgment, just interest.

We kept on walking. We kept on talking.

We go to Starbucks for some coffee. This was a cool starbucks though, it had a fireplace outside.

More talking. When am I going to make a move? Should I make a move when we go hiking?

She just told me she is going to Europe for a couple of months and then studying acting somewhere afterward. What does she want to do in this date? What is she comfortable with? What am I comfortable with?

I had a lot of questions. I’m not used to these situations so I didn’t have answers.

We hiked. She sweats a lot. I don’t. I overheat. She smells. But not really, she was awesome.

She took me on her favorite hike to do at night. She showed me how to climb through a couple tough rocks. She told me she had been hit by a car and that it turned her life around.

She has traveled so much and wanted to do so much more. I listened to her stories with intrigue and amazement. In all the dates had I been on thus far, never has a girl been able to hold my attention like her. We connected on levels that I had never experienced before.

She understood me, she acknowledged me. I like to “test” people with my humor. I need to see how weird I can get before they start walking away. She didn’t walk away, she laughed and more importantly she added.

I told her about the fort party and she loved it. She already started making comments about meeting up more. Does she just want a friend?

We were now sitting at the top of a rock.

Oh man I’m having such a good time. The sun is coming down. It’s getting cold. Should I huddle up next to her? Does she want me to make a move?

We are getting close but I couldn’t tell what to do. There was more to the date so I could wait. But how long?

It was finally too cold and we had to come down.

She lead the way. She drove stick shift. She made fun of people that were from “down the mountain.”

Man, I’m sitting at this bar/brewery eating some avocado and I couldn’t be having a better time on a first date.

We connected over our views on religion. That was a relief.

We connected over our feelings on friends from home. I still like my friends from back home but there seems to be a gap in how much I like them and how much they like me. Or in a sense how much I value them and how much they value me. And I know this sounds harsh but it’s the truth and it’s tough to talk about.

I talked about it with her and we both agreed.

Ok, feeling a little buzz. I think she is cute and I like her mind. I need to get a kiss, but when?

Off to see the stars.

What rock to lay on? I’m not really sure. The moonlight guided us. We both searched for a perfect rock.

It wasn’t a perfect rock but I lied on it anyways because I was next to her so nothing else mattered. 

Man, I’m looking at the stars on a first date with a girl and there is not a thing that feels weird about it.

Holy shit, I just saw my first shooting star.

Ok, now I try to get eye contact but she keeps looking at the stars. I know they are beautiful and cool but so am I.

I can’t get the eye contact that I want so I also turn to the stars (even though there is one just to the side of me ;)

We laughed a lot. We learned a lot. It was time to head back to the Starbucks parking lot. I had to get in my car and head on out. But how could this be? I haven’t gotten my kiss yet. This is not right.

I put my stuff in my car. We stand awkwardly. I want a kiss, but does she?

Ok, we do a really nice tight hug. It lasts a noticeable while.

I don’t want this to end and neither does she. It’s a 2 hour drive back and it’s already past midnight so I have to go.

Let’s talk about coffee meets bagel and the whole dating experience. It’s not the best topic but it’s a topic. Clearly we were delaying the inevitable.

I see my spot. I find that perfect in. She had met a really crappy dude that asked “Well, can I get a kiss goodbye?” What an IDIOT!

I’m not creepy and I have spent the last 12 hours of my life with her. I (that “I” is capitalized not because of grammar concerns but because it’s accentuated) will ask for a kiss goodbye and get it.

Ok, in for another hug. Now is my shot, now is my shot!

“Not.. uhmm… to be…uhmm.. that guy…” (killing it)

“You are not that guy”

“Can I...uh?” 

“Yes”

Thank god she stepped in because the words were hitting speed bumps.

She didn’t let me finish my question, did she understand what I meant?

Oh fuck it’s going to happen, I’m going to go in for a kiss!!!

What should I do?! Ok pucker up lips, make them kissy like when I play that weird argentinian game.

OHH MY GOD MY LIPS ARE ON HER LIPS! (AM I DOING THIS RIGHT? DID I MISS THE SPOT?

Ok, pull away. Stand awkwardly. From her reaction it couldn’t have been that bad.

Say goodbye. Fuck, I won't see her for two months. That’s ok I got a kiss. Get into car.

Nervously check phone because I don’t know what else to do.

Jesses texted. He wants to know if I’m safe. Haha jokes on him, I just got a kiss. I need to speak to him. I need answers. Did I do everything right?

Call him.

Start driving.

Put high beams on.

It’s dark out. I’m talking to Jesse with phone in my hand and I can’t explain myself very well but the important details he gets. Yes, I got a kiss. But holy shit I’m freaking out, what should I do?

Alright there are lights behind me. What the fuck is that?

Look at rear view mirror. Oh no it’s the fucking cops. What have I done? I just had a crazy moment in my life, why are they pulling me over?

First time getting pulled over.  

More questions, less answers.

I forgot my high beams were on. I’m sorry, cop.

He lets me go with a warning. I keep on driving and talking to Jesse. It’s a long drive back but I’m not afraid.

Nope, this lucky guy just got a kiss and there are enough thoughts in the head to last a lifetime.

Poor girl doesn’t even know what she is getting into. But maybe she does and for the first time a girl feels somewhat comfortable with me. 

Dare I say it, I don’t feel like a monster no more. What more can I ask?

The Blog of the Less High

Preface:

Mushrooms and other psychedelics are interesting things to me. It’s something that I want to explore but I want to do it once I’m in the right headspace. This past year has been a rough road mentally and it all started with the bad experience with the chocolate edible a month or so before the Yosemite trip. I have been feeling a lot better as of late so I didn’t want to fuck anything up by doing something that’s a little bit out of my comfort zone. I know that taking risks can be a good thing but, for me, right now is not the time.

As an experienced “baby sitter,” I feel very comfortable having the higher ones lead the less high so my motto is usually to hand off responsibility. I don’t care where we go, I’m not going to keep track of where I am, I am going to try and give less of a shit than I have ever given before. That’s why I’m so bad with directions because when I’m in the passenger seat of a car, the last thing I’m worried about is remembering how to get to where I’m going.

The High:

It was a little bit tough finding the right place to do the deed. To me, it has to be comfortable and safe. We had found safe but comfort was tough. With Rich’s help, we finally found a spot and began to smoke. The thing about “grass filled tubes,” as I like to call them, they get me very high, very quickly and that can sometimes be tough for me to handle. Getting very high can set off a tangent of panic that is quite overwhelming (kind of like the cholocalate edible) so to offset this problem, I have to focus on other things. I have to move, I have to talk, and I have to laugh. I have no idea what Rich and I started talking about but I soon found myself needing to move. I also saw you guys laughing a bit and needed to know what was up. Depth became an issue very quickly. I don’t know if it was the glasses or the grasses but I was a bit long on every step that I took. I would think the next step was one foot downhill when it would turn out to be only six inches away. I saw a branch out of the corner of my eye that was perfect for me to hold on to. I reach and…I miss (picture cat swatting at a fly).

With definite certainty I could say that the grass was the problem.

Things were good for a couple of minutes.

Then the negative thoughts came up. What if I am high forever? Will I come down? Why can’t I remember things? Will I be able to remember them later? What if I forget who I am? 

These thoughts lurked around for a couple of minutes before I told myself that it’s ok. I’ve been through this before. I know my mind’s stupid tricks and I’m going to get over this. By the time we made it back on the path, I was also back on track.

Quick aside: My therapist has questioned me on why I like to get high since I get panicky and I told him that it’s an interesting dynamic. If I think too much about my high and how I’m forgetting things, then I freak myself out. But when I just let all of that go, I’m finally in tune with the moment (although probably a couple of seconds behind). I forget about my job, I forget about all of the responsibilities, I forget about all that has been stressing me out and I’m finally just there. And that’s why I like it. Things are funny, things are beautiful, I have great friends and I’m finally able to enjoy it without any outside pressures distorting the moment.

The whole honey situation was a bit of a buzzkill for me because it reminded me of all these other responsibilities that I didn’t want to be a part of. I was drawing, I was laughing, I was enjoying my time. SUDDENLY I was tasked with a job that I didn’t want to be a part of. It was sticky, it was gross, it was time consuming, and I had to follow a certain procedure. I hated it.

We finally cleaned up and it was time to head down to the lake. The lake was amazing! After a stressful time cleaning up the honey, it was time to relax by the lake.

Sit and stare.

I looked at the light, I looked at the trees, I looked at those around me and everything felt right.

I usually don’t take pictures because I never feel it’s good enough. The moment that I try to capture has passed me by. Just like with drawing, just like with playing music, just like with saying “I love you.” I want it to be perfect and it never is. I get down on myself because I think that other people have a much easier time finding those moments but for me they are really tough. That’s something that I need to work on. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it never will be but this is my best shot and this is me.

I think that’s why I’m good with math, because there is an answer. There is only one right answer. I get a lot of “a-ha!” moments that are hard for me to get when I’m doing something more artistic and I think that’s what frustrates me. Fucking tell me what’s right and I’ll do it, but tell me there are 1 millions right answers but only one that’s right for me and I’m lost.

I have now begun the rest of this blog high. That’s why the pictures. Those were both aha moments that I rarely get.

Editing this feels so right. Kind of like the perfect smore that I made for myself that night camping. Listening to Animal Collective in the room that I just cleaned up I feel calm. That’s how I feel when I go camping. Calmness, rightness. A pause in a life that sometimes feels like I’m fastwording and can only see the spaces.

Overall, just a great experience. I’m high and don’t remember where I was going.

The End:

Another late night.

Groovin' with my little baby chicken encodes baking in the kettle -- alright alright alright.

Yeah... Funk on, fellas.